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Two months ago, in the midst of Warlock mania, it was hard to believe that this day would ever come. CBS is rumored to be finalizing negotiations with Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen on Two And A Half Men, and now Ashton's confirmed it with this tweet: “What’s the square root of 6.25?” Two and a half, of course.

● Lindsay Lohan was "blindsided" when the courts awarded her 4 months of jail time and 480 hours of community service -- a macabre 120 hours of which she must serve at the L.A. Count morgue -- for violating her parole. She served five hours of jail time before posting $75,000 of bail and filing for an appeal. [NYP/NYDN] ● Nicki Minaj won't let the fact that she's not invited to next weekend's royal wedding stop her from attending. She's hired a private jet, picked out a "regal outfit," and booked an apartment near Westminster Abbey to watch the proceedings. [ShowBiz Spy] ● Lady Gaga was out performed in Nashville when an audience member's heart literally stopped during the show's opening act. Maybe Gaga could learn this trick for the next leg. [CNN]

● This is horrifying: Apparently Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince Frederic von Anhalt, wants to have a child via artificial insemination and a surrogate mother with his 94 year-old, bed-ridden, amputee wife. "I'm a retired guy," he figures, "I can take care of it." [CNN] ● ABC has canceled their two longest-running and most beloved day-time dramas, All My Children and One Life to Live. Housewives and soap-heads, rally! Maybe you can get James Franco to lead the protests. [Huff Post] ● TMZ is reporting that the necklace Lindsay Lohan pocketed was marked up 300%. If she stole it, she stole it, of course, but the markup makes the crime a grand felony, whereas the originally-priced $850 necklace would have left LiLo with just a misdemeanor to sort out. [TMZ]

● MTV is showing no signs of slowing down their Jersey Shore-ification of Italy. Yesterday they announced two new Jersey Shore spinoffs, one documenting JWoww and Snooki's "life and love when the vacation is over" and the other following Pauly D, who is apparently "one of the country's most in-demand DJs." [The Wrap] ● Charlie Sheen is in New York for his "Torpedo of Truth" tour, and bedding at none other than really, actually maybe-presidential-candidate Donald Trump's International Hotel. Duh, winning. [NYP] ● Sixteen years after its abrupt cancellation, Sundance Channel is set to offer My So-Called Life a second go. They'll be rebroadcasting the single season beginning April 25, on Mondays at 11pm. Welcome back, Angela, Jordan, and Rayanne! [HR]

● Things went so badly on the first night of Charlie Sheen's "Violent Topedo of Truth" tour that Sheen was booed off the stage twenty minutes early. He pulled things together for night two in Chicago, managing to "satisfy, if not amaze, concert goers." Winning? Sounds more like a draw. [Chicago Tribune] ● "Social media is over," proclaimed James Franco, after having his Twitter feed quieted by "certain companies" he works with with. "Still up there. Going down. You heard it here first." [Politico] ● Music industry head honchos are willing to do anything for "anti-establishment band" Odd Future. Diddy, for one, is "desperate to sign the group to prove that he's on to something hot." Tyler, are you listening? Anything! [Page Six]

● Chuck Lorre still thinks this whole Charlie Sheen thing sucks. In a vanity card at the end of last night's Mike & Molly, he wrote, dimly, "Love, sex, food, friendship, art play, beauty and the simple pleasure of a coup of tea are all well and good, but never forget that God/the universe is determined to kill you by whatever means necessary." [Deadline] ● Streetwear clothing line Volcom is suing Jay-Z's Roc Nation, saying that the diamond logo Jay's company uses is too similar to their own. It's one thing, Volcom says, to "throw up the roc" as a hand gesture, but things get confusing when you start using it on clothes and other merchandise. [AllHipHop] ● AMC and Matthew Weiner have finally come to terms, signing a deal for at least two more seasons of Mad Men, without any cast cuts. Keeping Duck and Sally will come at a cost, though: Two more minutes of commercial time per episode. [NYT]

The last time Charlie Sheen threw down in New York City, things didn't go so well. He did too much cocaine, trashed a hotel room, and scared the thong off a poor pornstar. Or, if you're Charlie Sheen, things went exactly according to plan. The NYPD, however, didn't see it that way, and showed up to the Plaza hotel to get the situation under control. It looks like Mr. Sheen has learned his lesson -- that cops are buzz-kills -- and thus for his big return to our fair city, he's moving the party to New Jersey.

Charlie Sheen has begun to book hotels for his cross-country 'Violent Torpedo of Truth' tour, making his New York appearance on April 8th. His top choice for hospitality? Why The Plaza, of course. Sadly, after Sheen's last less-than-quiet stay (he trashed the hotel room and locked an adult film star in a bathroom, to jog your memory) the Plaza isn't rolling out the red carpets. Same goes for a slew of other New York hotel properties.

Snoop Dogg just filmed an advertising campaign with a New Zealand bush baby puppet, for crying out loud—of course he was going to collaborate with Charlie Sheen eventually. The Warlock has been busy prepping material for his sold out one-man comedy tour, Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not an Option (which might earn him about $7 million), but somewhere along the line he ended up behind musical equipment with the California rapper.

● Netflix may be close to picking up their first original television series, David Fincher's House of Cards.[NYT] ● Rapper and hook-man Nate Dogg passed away in his sleep last night at the age of 41. As Snoop Dogg tweeted in tribute, "You put yo stamp on evrybdy u ever didit wit". His funk lives on. [Billboard] ● Charlie Sheen pornstar lady-friend Kasey Jordan tweeted through a bender of her own yesterday. "The 16 hours I spent with Charlie messed me up ... I can't get that image out of my head," she began, before admitting to downing pills and whiskey. Police, responding to an emergency call, intervened, taking the star to the hospital for psychiatric exams, where she tweeted, "I'm Sooo bored in this hospital bed! I want to have someone save me." [NYDN]