● After a cocaine-fueled, hooker-abusing rampage at New York's Plaza Hotel, Charlie Sheen has returned to Los Angeles, where he's indulging in more coke and hookers, leading one friend to predict, "Charlie Sheen is going to die this week." [Radar] ● Meanwhile, Sheen's New York prostitute/porn star, Capri Anderson, looks familiar because she was once in Girls Gone Wild, of course. [TMZ] ● Taylor Swift, rumored to be dating Jake Gyllenhaal, says she likes "a guy who takes charge, but lets me have my say once in a while," like when she's writing songs about him. [Bang Showbiz]

● If Will Smith's fights with producers over the script of Men in Black III stop the movie from being made, can we give him an Oscar for that? [NYP] ● Courteney Cox is having an "emotional affair" with the guy from Cougar Town and David Arquette has already slept with other women, so the question remains: why isn't this a reality show competition already? [NYDN] ● Gisele Bundchen and her beach bum baby are, without a doubt, the cutest couple of the year. [ONTD]

• Good morning! People who are responsible with money have purchased some rhinestone-studded glove that Michael Jackson wore once for about $350,000. [BBC] • John Mayer has made the claim that celebrity musicians typically make bad records. Stones and a glass house, honey. [DigitalSpy] • Along those lines: Jennifer Lopez has a new music video out. It is about the thrills of preparing lattice pie crusts, but features close-ups of her lips for no particular reason. [D-Listed]

You know what the world needs? A fourth installment of Scream! If only to provide a stark counterpoint to the much-anticipated live-action Barbie film. What this means is that more relics from your childhood will be getting the shitcan-screwjob deluxe treatment (thanks G.I. Joe -- all-American hero, indeed!) that sums up Hollywood's barren creative wasteland. The film will pick up ten years after the last round of brutal slayings. Obviously, that refers to Scream, not Barbie.

I used to have a friend who was a lot like Courteney Cox's character on Cougar Town (which bows tonight on ABC) minus that girlishly neurotic/rockin' the suburbs/sexy divorcée vibe, plus the sleazy mack-on-impressionable college girls vibe. He used to frequent Williamsburg bars to that end. We don't really talk anymore now. But it is odd that we're all so quick to jump the gun and castigate Cox when really olds having been preying on youngs since the dawn of time, and it's mostly because she's a lady whose personal storyline most of the Western world is having trouble with. Or it could be the sneak peeks at the trailer. Either way, wolves, badgers, Donald Trump, and cougars have all been part of this tenuous food chain for ages. What's more problematic for me is that by singling out Zac Efron as her ideal prey, Cox will have to fight Perez Hilton for leftovers.

The tightrope walk from series television to feature films is often a slippery one. Linger too long on one end and you'll end up like Debra Messing, resembling the poor man's much-older Katherine Heigl -- a sad, sad spinster eternally saddled with romantic failures and enough neuroses to be institutionalized. On the flip side, maybe Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has done the smart thing by embracing another TV vehicle that forces her (ironically or otherwise) to embrace the concept of not-youth. And it's here that the further foibles of the Friends ladies -- which at once conflate Messing's desperate youth with Louis-Dreyfuss' self-awareness while keeping our eyes peeled more than any Friends flick could -- may be exclusively hit-or-miss.

● Matt Damon, who’s becoming the male Angelina Jole (philanthropically speaking), has set up the H20 Africa foundation, which helps bring clean water to developing countries. [JustJared] ● What a surprise: Hailey Glassman is only dating Jon Gosselin to become famous herself. Glassman has already tried to get on reality shows like The Real World and Bad Girls Club. [Us] ● Rumors that Debbie Rowe would give up custody of her kids for $4 million are untrue; she’s still seeking custody from Katherine Jackson. [CNN]

On Dirt, Courteney Cox's turn as a ruthless tabloid editrix was always a bit empty in its delivery -- no matter how much high-profile girl-on-girl lip-lock she did in the line of duty. So although FX execs saw fit to bury the drama after two seasons (just another casualty of that TV writers' strike that most people would be hard-pressed to recall), it seems Cox is drawing on the strength of her character Lucy Spiller's trademark sleaze for her next role.