BlackBook

Yesterday, we were pleased to reported that David Lowery's fantastic debut feature, the southern crime drama, Ain't Them Bodies Saints would be headed to France next month for the Cannes Film Festival's Critics' Week. And today, as more festival news unravels, it appears that more and more surprises are in store. The Director's Fortnight slate has been announced and this year's line-up will feature not one, but two Alejandro Jodororowsky features. Well, one will be the first proper feature from the director in over 20 years and the other, a documentary about "the greatest film never made."

Every several weeks, I like to play a little game. I log on Facebook and scroll down the sidebar minifeed, where my best friend’s Spotify song listenings always pop up. She works under the alias of her work’s company name since she’s their main FB promoter, which is both highly protective and also dangerous. Around 11am, I take a gander at the list and, without-fail, there it is: a Twilight soundtrack song or a Gwen Stefani power piece. Sometimes an obscure song from Creed.

Do you harbor lustful feelings for acquaintances that you are too afraid or perpetually drunk to properly articulate? Maybe you’re a “nice guy” who wants another semi-accepted outlet for stalking and creepy libidinous frustration? Are you literally too lazy for goddamn OkCupid? Have we got the app for you.

Esquire’s cover story about Megan Fox begins as follows: “The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It's not really even that beautiful. It's closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.” It’s like an advertorial for plastic surgery! [Esquire]

Taylor Swift and One Direction’s Harry Styles have broken up. I, for one, haven’t been this devastated since Taylor Swift broke up with that Kennedy kid. Alas, at least this means Swift will have enough material for at least three songs on her next album. (I’m guessing she’s been drafting some lyrics on that boat.) I’m hoping at least one of them is about Styles’s second set of nipples. (It’d be a good dig in a song called “I Could Never Love You (As Much As You Love Yourself)”) [NY Daily News, Gawker]

Farewell, News Corp. media property The Daily, and flights of angel investors sing thee to thy rest. Your iPad-only content was too thrilling for this world. I mean, probably. I don’t have an iPad (or any comparable tablet), so how the hell would I know? I’m just assuming that anything Rupert Murdoch pours $30 million into at the outset is really going to pop.

If you are reading this, it means that Facebook Inc. has sucked all the private information out of your profile and molded it into a databullet that it used to shoot your hard drive with a stuff-taking virus, which will soon know you better than you know yourself. And that’s just the beginning: they also sold those Instagrams of you in a bikini to Sports Illustrated. Sorry.

If you're not a gay man, you may not know who Colby Keller is. To get you up to speed: he has sex with other men on camera. That's cool! No judgies! He's also got a popular blog (NSFW, obvs) and is pretty popular among all walks of gay dudes. I mean, he's hot, so it's certainly understandable! Usually guys like Colby Keller fall into a category I refer to as "Real World hot." Not like, the real world, but The Real World. The guys are on that show are insanely buff and only exist, at least in my eyes, on The Real World. (Or, you know, in gay porn.)

Whether an acquaintance brightens your newsfeed with their gobsmacking idiocy or you actively cruise the message boards and blogs devoted to the worst social networking decisions ever made, no one is impervious to the recreational schadenfreude that Facebook culture encourages—nay, demands. We’d all like to feel better about ourselves, yes? Meaning someone else has to take the fall. It’s simple Darwinism, as long as you misunderstand Darwinism.

There's a Facebook campaign afoot to do something positive in the wake of Friday's Dark Knight Rises massacre which left 12 people dead and nearly 60 injured: a user is asking Christian Bale to don his Batman costume and visit injured children hospitalized after the Aurora, Colorado shooting.