Now that Lindsay Lohan's Playboy pics have leaked and everyone has seen and commented and pretty much been like, eh, whatever, she did the nude Marilyn Monroe thing in New York Magazine in 2008, the rag is trying to do damage control. Originally set for a cover reveal on The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Dec. 15, Hugh Hefner has come up with a new plan.

● Crystal Harris told Howard Stern that sex with Hef lasted "like two seconds" and that she had never really seen him naked. All of which amounts to "not bad" when you are sleeping with an 85-year-old. [People] ● Nicki Minaj was fined $1,000 for doing what Nick Minaj does best: shaking her superior booty. [RapRadar] ● Everything went according to plan at Amy Winehouse's funeral yesterday: Kelly Osbourne sported a tribute beehive, Amy's bodygaurds got one last bizarre picture, and Carole King was played. May she rest in peace. [HuffPost/AP]

● Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millepied welcomed their baby boy into the world yesterday. No word yet on name or photos, but surely, we'll be made more familiar soon. [People] ● Scandal in Playboy land! Just five days before they were scheduled to walk down the aisle, Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris have called off their wedding. And according to today's Page Six, they did so with good reason: Apparently Crystal Harris had been secretly offered $500,000 to ditch Hef at the alter in order to make a "media sensation" of their Lifetime TV special wedding. They called things off early when she decided she couldn't go through with it. But Hugh, ever the playboy, already has new weekend plans. [Page Six] ● L.A. music promoter Robert Ross told a court yesterday that he had been kidnapped by gang members who were looking for a Shaq sex tape. When they couldn't find the tape, they settled for Ross's diamond earrings, a Rolex watch, and $15,000 in cash instead. [CNN]

● Remember when Beyonce, Mariah Carey, and Usher performed for Qaddafi's son on New Year's two years ago for millions of dollars and it looked bad? Now Libya is in revolt and it looks even worse. [NYT] ● Former Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell announced on her Facebook yesterday that she got the official "Ask" from Dancing With The Stars and needs her "Fans" help her decide what to do. The post now has 237 "Likes" and 399 (mostly encouraging) comments. Dancing With The Stars is beginning to look like the strangest Tea Party convention we've ever seen. [FaceBook] ●Jimmy Fallon had a mole removed on Dr. Memhet Oz yesterday because he's funny. And moles are funny. [GawkerTV]

● Hugh Hefner just laid around "like a dead fish" during sex, according to the memoir of a former Playmate, who also alleges that Hef's old number one, Holly Madison, had the dirtiest job of all. [Daily Mail] ● David Beckham swears under oath that he did not have sex with Irma Nici, a prostitute, who claims it happened five times in total. If he's lying, Becks is in big trouble. [TMZ] ● Marc Anthony owes $3.4 million in back taxes, meaning he needs his career back or to be really nice to Jennifer Lopez. [Radar]

"I’m a one-eyed man in a blind world."

● Brad Pitt's much bitched-about facial hair -- from whiskers to beard to goatee and back -- seems to finally be gone for good. Expect it on eBay. [People] ● In the latest Mel Gibson racist, misogynist tape leak, he admits to punching girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva in the mouth, breaking her teeth, and pulling so far ahead in the World's Worst Celebrity race that Charlie Sheen is like, "Dude." [TMZ] ● Are Ke$ha's "Tik Tok" and Katy Perry's "California Gurls" the same song? Who cares! [Vulture]

● Mariah Carey and husband Nick Cannon will renew their wedding vows for the second time on their second wedding anniversary. They don't understand and they have no real friends to tell them they don't understand. [People] ● Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint have made nearly $130 million collectively since the Harry Potter movies began, with Radcliffe alone taking in $64.5, making Robert Pattinson look like the Pauly Shore of bank accounts. [MSN] ● New pictures of Lady Gaga before she was famous, but after she stopped wearing American Eagle, are comforting, like a hug from your mother. [Esquire]

● Maybe the plethora of "Lonely Jen" stories stem from the fact that Jennifer Aniston hates to date; she says dating “sucks,” she doesn’t “understand it,” and the experience is just “bizarre.” [JustJared] ● Saturday Night Live has dumped Casey Wilson from the cast, reportedly because she refused to drop 1 pound of the 30 the show demanded she lose over summer break. [E!] ● Megan Fox says that, unlike other Hollywood bimbos, you’ll (sadly) never see her naked in a leaked sex tape. Fox says one glance at herself naked would ensure she’d never have sex again. [Us]

● Hugh Hefner offered Kate Gosselin $400K to flaunt her post-eight-babies bod for Playboy; thankfully, Gosselin turned the offer down. [NYDailyNews] ● Add Paul McCartney to the list of people who want the Beatles catalog on iTunes. McCartney blames EMI for the delay. [NME] ● Did you hear the awesome news that Kristen Wiig is joining Seth Meyers on Weekend Update? Well, don’t get too excited, ‘cause it’s not happening. Meyers will report the faux-news all by his lonesome this season. [EW]