● "My boobs are crushing me," Heidi Montag told Life & Style magazine. Be careful what you wish for, and of ideas recommended by Spencer Pratt. [Page Six] ● Lindsay Lohan left rehab a few days early and is free to return to the life of a thespian, studying classical plays while sipping hot cocoa and knitting when she needs a little break. [AP] ● Wyclef Jean is not allowed to appeal the Haitian ruling barring him from running for president. It's time to move on, and to put that Will.i.am back in his rightful place. [Vulture]

● Sean Penn: Serious actor, serious director, serious activist, serious Wyclef Jean skeptic, and now, serious babe. [D Listed] ● Someone wielding two large knives tried breaking into Paris Hilton's home before she called the police. She really doesn't recognize her own gardener? [TMZ] ● Joanna Newsom says she'll be touring the U.S. this November, traveling from city to city with nothing but a wand, a dash fairy dust, and good cheer. [Pitchfork]

● Mariah Carey and husband Nick Cannon will renew their wedding vows for the second time on their second wedding anniversary. They don't understand and they have no real friends to tell them they don't understand. [People] ● Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint have made nearly $130 million collectively since the Harry Potter movies began, with Radcliffe alone taking in $64.5, making Robert Pattinson look like the Pauly Shore of bank accounts. [MSN] ● New pictures of Lady Gaga before she was famous, but after she stopped wearing American Eagle, are comforting, like a hug from your mother. [Esquire]

Tiger Woods may be up to his putter in a mistress scandal, but what's most disturbing about this particular case of martial infidelity is that Tiger's wife is a ridiculously attractive Nordic supermodel. Despite this fact, the man still found it necessary to cheat with strange picked up at various bars across the country. Sure, some of the girls in question aren't too shabby either, but was it really worth it? Now, no one here is advocating cheating on wives or significant others, but if you are a celebrity and you do decide to cheat, at least shoot for an upgrade. For example!

● Demi Moore will take a break from working out and being Mrs. Ashton Kutcher to guest-star on her husband's new show The Beautiful Life. [DailyMail] ● Megan Fox reveals in Cosmo that the one missed role she wishes she’d said yes to was the Hannah Montana movie. [JustJared] ● Matt Damon will accept the American Cinematheque Lifetime Achievement Award at the ripe old age of 39. [ContactMusic]

● Aubrey O’Day says she wants to be just like BFF Jenna Jameson -- a multimedia brand -- just, you know, without the porn part. [CraveOnline] ● Rachelle Lefevre is understandably upset and surprised that her meal ticket, er, rather her Twilight role, has fallen into the lap of Bryce Dallas Howard. [People] ● Now that Jessica Simpson is Tony Romo-free, she plans to get her old Dukes of Hazard-era body back; that’ll teach ‘em to dump you the day before your birthday. [OK]

● Add Kim Kardashian to the list of those who have a girl crush on Megan Fox. [PopCrunch] ● Speaking of Fox, is there a good tattoo artist out there who’s also fan? ‘Cause she’s looking to get some ink! Have your people call her people. [E!] ● Johnny Depp says he’s eager to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow; the actor hopes the Pirates series becomes like a “Beckett play” and could see his character in a “geisha clothing.” [DigitalSpy]

● Class act Aubrey O’Day is hoping to be the godmother to BFFs Jenna Jameson’s sons; after all, O’Day was the first one to know the ex-porn-star was pregnant. [OKMagazine] ● Lady Gaga’s bubble-ball dress she wears on her “Fame Ball” tour is making fashionistas do a double-take, as it’s almost identical to a Hussein Chalayan piece from his S/S 2007 collection. [NYTblog] ● Ever wonder what Thom Yorke looks like without a shirt on? Here’s your "chance" to find out for real. [JustJared]

Tera Patrick has oodles of sex. Need proof? The 5"9" former Ford model from Great Falls, Montana is one of the top actresses in the adult entertainment industry, and she's got the multi-million dollar empire to prove it. She's business by day, bondage by night. Along with her husband, former Oz actor Evan Seinfeld, she's one-half of a porn super couple, a TomKat with anal beads. Throughout her near ten-year career, she's gone beyond the San Fernando Valley and landed on the cover of FHM magazine, played a version of herself on "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," and most recently served as a special producer on the video game Saints Row 2. I spoke to the woman formerly known as Linda Ann Hopkins about sharing her husband with porn stars, her non-relationship with Jenna Jameson, and which of her colleagues is the authority on cunnilingus.

“I’ve got too much on my plate,” a buxom blonde whines over a mound of Kobe beef in a slick corner booth at the Kobe Club. She has no idea. In one night we’re tempted to traipse through most of Manhattan, fitting in Richie Rich’s Rox and Riley Footwear Launch Party at 205 downtown, uptown to the Kobe Club to celebrate the opening of Kobe Beach Club uptown, chat up Eva Mendes at Calvin Klein, and gawk at the Bravo Awards after-party. We certainly have a lot on our plate tonight, and it's not sirloin.