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TMZ, People, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have all harmoniously confirmed the terrible breakup of a torrid sexual relationship between Hollywood actors Jennifer Anniston and Robert Pattinson, who appeared on The Daily Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to confirm that he will be the new legal guardian for Suri Cruise, the illegitimate child of British chanteuse Adele and an unnamed father who is probably Bret Michaels, the rock star famous for his recently called-off double-engagement to Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and one of the girls from Teen Mom.

● Starting tomorrow, Billboard's Hot 100 will be taking into account plays on online streaming services like Rhapsody and Spotify along with the usual sales and radio play when ranking the Hot 100. Chart-heads might want to Google "Carly Rae Jepsen" sooner rather than later. [NYT]

David Wain's 'Wanderlust' reunites him with some of his compatriots from 'Wet Hot American Summer' and 'The State' -- and their influence help him to churn out funny movies.

● Paris Hilton makes a sultry -- or, as sultry as one can be while saying things like, "No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore" and "I'm too lazy to type, so I send a photo I took up a dancer's skirt" -- return to music with "Drunk Text," a spoken word collaboration with electro-duo Manufactured Superstars. Maybe it could be art, if you let it. [VV]

In Wanderlust, Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston play an overstressed NYC couple who find themselves at a hippie commune after Rudd is laid off from his job. Having nothing else better to do, they decide to hang out for a few weeks and explore their feelings amidst a collection of stoners, nudists and Malin Akerman. Directed by David Wain, it looks to be as reliably rude as his previous mainstream comedies like Role Models, which also starred Rudd. Case in point: this newly released red-band trailer, which balances jokes about drugged-out orgies with jokes about jerking off cows. 

● Mark Wahlberg is already taking back that thing he said about 9/11 going differently, had only he been onboard one of those planes. "To speculate about such a situation is ridiculous to begin with," he told TMZ. "I deeply apologize to the families of the victims that my answer came off as insensitive, it was certainly not my intention." [TMZ]

● Drake thinks it's "absolutely incredible" that a woman would want to tattoo his name on her forehead, but that the artist who did it needs to have his license revoked. "And if I ever see you I’m gonna fuck you up," he warns. [MandoFresko]

● Tyler, the Creator was arrested last night in Los Angeles, in front of his crying mother, after he trashed some sound equipment during a performance at the Roxy. Kill people, burn shit, fuck school, etc.The adults were bound to step in eventually. [Rap-Up]

The most enduring relationship of Jennifer Aniston’s career would be the one with her hairstylist, Chris McMillan. He’s the one responsible for the famous Rachel haircut that had women in the late nineties bobbing and weaving their hair to look like that of a TV character. In the upcoming issue of Allure, McMillan dishes on their special bond and his famous client's follicle secrets. McMillian calls Aniston’s current hair era the Lob (Long Bob) or the Growb (Growing Out Bob), just so you know what to tell your hairstylist.

Jennifer Aniston has been named “Sexiest Woman of All Time” by Men’s Health. Again just to reiterate, not 2005, not  even 2011, but of all time placing her above such eternal beauties as Brigitte Bardot, Raquel Welch, Bo Derek or to make it more current, Sophia Vergara. How did this happen?