Rio De Janeiro’s weather may always be 80 degrees with a 98% chance of passion, but that’s all about to change. The frigid pop doyenne and part-time bulldozer impersonator Madonna is coming. This time she is putting her special brand of off-putting generosity towards helping Rio’s incredibly impoverished favelas. Having been to Brazil a handful of times and having been exposed firsthand to the kindness of a local beachside bartender in Buzios urinating in a cup and pouring it onto my jellyfished chest after surfing it’s a state close to my heart. As the entire internet knows, her most famous trip down there was for Steven Klein’s notorious W Magazine shoot. And after she had smuggled Jesus away up in her rainforest-like Sugarloaf Mountain she has been enamored with the state ever since. But I’m really torn about this, man.

In matters of romance, we must turn to true-and-trusted bibles like Pride & Prejudice to determine the course of relationships wherein one-half of the couple is clearly operating on motive while the other may be hungrily eyeing a green card. P&P's signature maxim, "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife," rings especially true here. In this world, few have greater fortunes than Madonna. And few besides Jesus Luz are readily available for subjugation by such a well-connected megalomaniac. So where to go from here? Marriage! The Ciccone-Luz matrimonial process has already started, with the couple plotting a trip to visit Luz's parents.

This Mother's Day, I plan on having a large brunch with my mom, and afterward, nursing our collective food coma by watching this unfortunate-looking Bollywood flick, occasionally pointing out plot holes and fielding reproving glares from her because she only wants to watch it for the overwrought musical interludes and doesn't need my side commentary. Especially on the day that's all about her. But if my half-dozen daily calls home are anything, they're a testament to what this shady newspaper says about every mother being a celebrity to their children. True or not, thankfully, my mother is nothing like Joan Rivers -- even if I do sometimes resemble Melissa Rivers. Sorry, Mom! A digest of not graceful print-pillaging celebrity moms (and so, divas in their own right) after the break.

It really is a crying shame that after a well-publicized honeymoon, the unadulterated love between a contemporary woman of leisure and the Brazilian child she abducted starts crumbling. DIY Botox shots start disappearing; post-its written in Portuguese contain stern reminders to "clean up after yourself, I'm not your f**king mother"; Gwynie's latest GOOP newsletter "accidentally" ends up in the spam folder; tempers flare over a moratorium on churrasco. And while that last dispute divides the remainder of her dwindling fanbase into two factions (those who support Madonna's possibly meatless manor and those who want little Jesus to have a slice of Brazil in his home away from home), tensions between the lovers have finally hit their breaking point and torn the couple asunder.

A Monday-night walk in Mr. Lewis' neighborhood would impress even Mr. Rogers. My first stop was Butter, where I wanted to say hi to my dearest friend Sherry and to congratulate William Curran, who was just made general manager. Butter was the first restaurant I designed, and because of that I still have a nostalgic connection to the place (plus it’s still the hottest night around). The door was expecting Jerry Seinfeld’s wife Jessica, but who showed up instead but Madonna herself, with boyfriend Jesus attached. An old Jewish pal who's pretty knowledgeable about Kabbalah and such things explained why Madonna was wearing a schoolgirl costume with a black wig, tights, miniskirt, and old-school Converses, and why baby Jesus was all Joker/Ledgered out. I was told that they were celebrating Purim, that it is Esther's year, and that the costumes were part of the ritual celebration.

● Sean Penn had a run-in with ex-wife Madonna and her new boyfriend Jesus Luz at a post-Oscar party. Penn gestured to Jesus and said “Another kid, already?” Madonna was upset, but her face somehow didn't move. [TheSun] ● Why wasn’t last year’s Best Supporting Actor winner Javier Bardem at the Oscars? Because he didn’t want to hand his current girlfriend, Penelope Cruz, her Best Supporting Actress statue. [OKMagazine] ● Mickey Rourke may have not won the Oscar, but he’ll get one any way he can. Rourke is set to get a new Chihuahua and name it after the award he lost out on Sunday night. [RadarOnline]

Chalk it up to "new nostalgia" or supermodels making a comeback, but the fashion industry’s MILF fixation is in full effect. Earlier this week, Madonna made headlines yet again thanks to a steamy new Steven Klein-photographed W spread that features the Material Mom in a lavish, light-filled Brazilian home, flanked by a handful of gorgeous twenty-something, half-naked Brazilian boys. In a biblically confusing series of events, adding fuel to the press-storm is the fact that one of the male models in question, Jesus Luz, has become Madonna’s real life companion.