● OMG! The New York Times's new best selling author, Snooki, loves you. [Twitter] ● Having been banned from Fox & Friends after suggesting Sarah Palin is "just a stupid threat," Joan Rivers thinks Fox can "go fuck themselves." [PopEater] ● Terminally shy Jenni Farley, Jersey Shore's JWoww, won a court battle to prevent her ex from distributing nude photos taken of her while under anesthesia. [TMZ]

There's lots of stuff I don't want. I don't want, for example, to be pushed onto the subway tracks during rush hour. I don't exactly want The Meatball Shop to package my beef and my noodles in separate containers. I don't want to hear Justin Bieber talk about his kids. But the thought of having to endure tabloid updates about newly engaged celebrity-circus-stunt-turkeys Michael Lohan and Kate Major is something I so wholly do not want that I'm actually considering putting down the new issue of Star.

● Jon Gosselin's offer from Playgirl -- for "more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot" -- was, um, a low-ball offer tied to the size of his equipment. [HuffPo] ● Linsday Lohan's hands look like they belong to a nasty old man. Homeless, too. [Dlisted] ● The ever-sensitive and in touch Eliot Spitzer said he had sex with a prostitute because a real affair would hurt his wife. [Time]

● Maybe it’s new found motherhood or the excessive Botox, but Nicole Kidman showed up to the NYC Nine premiere without realizing that her under eye make-up wasn’t blended. Doesn’t she have people for that? [JustJared] ● Jon Gosselin is firing a gun on his property in full view of the paparazzi. This seems like a bad idea. [Celebrity-Gossip] ● Tara Reid’s sad implants aren’t the only bombs being dropped in the latest issue of Playboy: P. Diddy claims he tried to lose his virginity at the ripe old age of seven to an older woman-- and by older I mean ten. [HuffingtonPost]

● Finally someone has stopped the Jon Gosselin media whore train: TLC has been granted their wish in a suit against Gosselin halting all his Entertainment Tonight guest-spots and Vegas pool party appearances. [People] ● Benji Madden has moved down from Paris Hilton to Holly Madison, although Madison says they're just hangin’ out. [Hollyscoop] ● Paul Reubens’ alter ego Pee-Wee Herman has "revealed" that Taylor Lautner will play him in the upcoming Pee-Wee Herman films. [AcessHollywood]

● How does one quit Hollywood? I’m not sure, but starring in a sitcom doesn't seem like the way to do it. Nicole Richie says she's desperate to move to New York City away from L.A.'s paparazzi, but just signed on to star in a pilot for ABC. [Showbizspy, Variety] ● Will Jon Gosselin be making an appearance on The Hills as Kristin’s BF? Probably not, but it seems Gosselin has complied a short list of Hollywood ladies he would not like to make eight babies with, and it includes The Hills villainess, Whitney Port, and Lindsay Lohan. Two train wrecks don’t make a right. [HollywoodGossip] ● Rihanna, ever the role model, says every girl should have naked pixs taken of them. [TheSun]

• So in news regarding the finest non-Lady Gaga-related moment to happen in music this week, Solange is encouraging everyone to pirate her well-done do-over of The Dirty Projectors' "Stillness Is the Move" after Universal keeps taking down free downloads of the cover across the web. To that end, here's a great place to start. [Jezebel] • Barf bags at the ready please: Jon Gosselin may or may not have filmed a sex tape wherein he does a couple bumps. His flack is devastated that us gossip folks are running with this rumor. He'd be devastated to know that most of us would run with rumors of J.Goss turning out to be swine flu patient zero, too. [Us] • While on the topic of crowdsourced pornography: Carrie Prejean's total swag count now includes eight sex tapes and 30 photographs. You'll remember that some fraction of this entire package was being shopped around for $100,000 earlier this year. [New York Daily News] • Having humbled everyone from Kanye West to country stalwart Wynonna Judd, Swift has the entire world rolling around in her palms. Her next conquest: A quick cash-in on vampires via a potential stint on Vampire Diaries [Digital Spy]

• So in news regarding the finest non-Lady Gaga-related moment to happen in music this week, Solange is encouraging everyone to pirate her well-done do-over of The Dirty Projectors' "Stillness Is the Move" after Universal Records keeps taking down free downloads of the cover across the web. To that end, here's a great place to start. [Jezebel] • Barf bags at the ready please: Jon Gosselin may or may not have filmed a sex tape wherein he does a couple bumps. His flack is devastated that us gossip folks are running with this rumor. He'd be devastated to know that most of us would run with rumors of J.Goss turning out to be patient zero for swine flu, too. [Us] • Speaking of crowdsourced pornography: Carrie Prejean's total swag count now includes eight sex tapes and 30 photographs. You'll remember that some fraction of this entire package was being shopped around for $100,000 earlier this year. [New York Daily News] • Having humbled everyone from Kanye West to country stalwart Wynonna Judd, Swift has the entire world rolling around in her palms. Her next conquest: A quick cash-in on vampires via a potential stint on Vampire Diaries [Digital Spy] • Did you know they found water on the moon? This allows the Associated Press the chance to parade out some of their finest puns? [AP] • Perpetually periled artist Shepard Fairey hosted/DJed at a marriage equality party the other night. [Queerty] • And, it behooves discerning cineastes who rank The Family Man as one of the Top 5 films ever to note this: Nic Cage has not only lost two houses and his dignity, but owes the IRS just under $7 million in back taxes. But be calm, Cagey folks! Johnny Depp is lending his friend a hand. He feels indebted to Cage for a part he got in this flick. [Celebuzz] • Here to there: Lindsay Lohan is not only hard at work for her follow-up to her disastrous Ungaro debut, but she's also teamed up with jeweler Pascal Mouawad to sew popcorn necklaces or something. [Access Hollywood]

● Heather Locklear proves she’s still Queen B by getting Ashlee Simpson fired from the new Melrose Place. Evidently Locklear saw through her “wanna-be diva” ways, oh and “her lack of talent didn’t help” either. [PopCrunch] ● Jessica Simpson is looking for one of those intellectual boys because she can “bore out pretty easily.” [Us] ● You can’t say Nadya Suleman doesn’t have a sense of humor; the octo-mom dressed up as a pregnant nun accompanied by her octuplets dressed as little devils. [TheSun]

● Jon Gosselin’s current girlfriend Hailey Glassman says he’s “emotionally abusive” and throws “mantrums,” although she still loves him and is still with him and don’t worry she knows their relationship is “not normal.” [People] ● 50 Cent declares: “the credit crunch has hit rap.” Need proof? The rapper must sell his old diamonds before he buys new ones. [Telegraph] ● The Catholic League is mad at Larry David’s alter-ego Larry David, who accidentally peed on a painting of Jesus in a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. He's also Jewish, not that there's anything wrong with that. [Popeater]