● Kiefer Sutherland is officially returning to TV with the Fox pilot Touch. It's about a man whose son can see into the future, and to honor the occasion, here's Sutherland diving into a Christmas tree, because it never gets old. [Deadline] ● Rolling Stone has a written preview of six tracks off the new Lady Gaga album, because this is the biggest deal since the invention of water. [Rolling Stone] ● Yikes. Melissa Leo is backtracking on those horrendous ads that might have cost her an Oscar. We haven't seen a fiasco this ridiculous since the invention of water. [Daily Beast]

While Mickey Rourke's new commercial for the Dutch, alcohol-free beer Bavaria makes for a highly enjoyable fifty six seconds, we can't help but think it was, or it least could have been, written for the only other man on the planet who would be as, if not more appropriate for a spot like this. Sadly, Kiefer Sutherland must have been wrapping 24 that night. After all, it's Sutherland who's known to partake in booze-induced calamities whilst overseas. See such classics as diving into a hotel lobby Christmas tree in London, or the more recent getting tossed from a strip club in London. We know Rourke has the reputation of a rule-breaking badass, but really, the whole thing feels more like a persona than the real deal.

● Spencer Pratt called former Hills friend Audrina Patridge's plastic surgery "nasty" before going off on Ke$ha and Jwoww, another member of the nasty surgery club... of which Spencer's wife Heidi Montag is queen. [Celebuzz] ● With a bunch of sexual assault allegations surfacing about action 'star' Steven Seagal, the best is him telling Jenny McCarthy to "sit on my couch." She responded, "Rent my Playboy video, you asshole." If only every girl was so lucky. [PopEater] ● Can't be unseen (for a bunch of Catholics in Oklahoma): Jesus with a really big... you know the old joke -- let's just say he's hung like this. [Crooks and Liars]

● Kevin Federline said depression led to him overeating, but what he really meant is that Britney used to eat all the Cheetos. [People] ● Kiefer Sutherland lost $869,000, or thirteen minutes' salary on 24, in a cattle-selling scam. Yes, you read that correctly. Cattle-selling. [LAT] ● Are those 44 lizards in your pants or are you just happy to see me? [SF Gate]

● Kiefer Sutherland is filled with Christmas cheer, so much so that he needed the wait staff at Lure to keep him upright on a recent evening out with Jon Bon Jovi. [AMNY] ● Tiger Woods has a case of the Jon Gosselins: he’s still seeing mistress Numero Uno Rachel Uchitel. Hard to stay away when your soon-to-be-divorced-self is on a boat 500-feet away from said mistress. [Showbizspy] ● A last minute holiday gift tip from 50 Cent: beware of re-gifting. He once got a dirty and already worn sweater from his aunt but as the rapper says, "it's the thought that counts." [AngryApe]

● Madonna came dangerously close to ruining George Clooney’s acting career when the two went on a date shortly after her divorce. Thankfully Madonna tried to be funny and the date quickly went south. [Showbizspy] ● San Diego would like Lady Gaga to know they aren’t San Jose: she referred to her San Diego crowd as San Jose a whopping eight times during a recent concert. [NBC] ● Sarah Jessica Parker continues to dismantle her Über chic Carrie Bradshaw persona by devoting her new fragrance to body odor and saying that B.O. is “sexy.” [DigitalSpy]

While looking toward a new decade, it’s important to take stock of the things that really matter: blackouts, box-office bombs and Bin Laden.

● We know that Kiefer Sutherland likes to get physical with strangers (see Jack McCollough), but vs. a good friend? Prison Break star Robert Knepper says Sutherland punched him in the face when he mentioned he might quit acting. [DigitalSpy] ● The group Little People of America are trying to get the FCC to ban the word "midget" from use on television. [HuffingtonPost] ● Elizabeth Taylor took to her Twitter to say she won’t be attending Michael Jackson’s memorial at the Staples Center. [Twitter]

● After several DUIs and a most infamous head-butting assault, Kiefer Sutherland is still bar-hopping; he was seen out with his daughter Sarah Jude at LES bar Libation. No injuries were reported. [P6] ● Ben Affleck likes to joke that his kids are so cute, he wonders if they’re his -- much to wife Jennifer Garner’s chagrin. [AllNewsWeb] ● If Robert Pattinson’s American accent sounds familiar, it’s because the British actor borrows from his favorite actors like James Dean and Jack Nicholson. [MyParkMag]

We've heard of crimes of fashion (suit jackets worn with shorts or Bjork's infamous run-in with a swan), but this is ridiculous. The latest tiff between actor Kiefer Sutherland of 24 fame and fashion designer Jack McCollough, one half of design duo Proenza Schouler, has shown that potentially deadly weapons, such as knives, guns, and even fists, are so not in vogue anymore. Now we're into headbutting. I mean, it is spring, people, and we can't have burdensome accessories weighing down our scantily appropriate outfits, and really, fistfights went out with Brody Jenner. It's nice to see the economy's cutbacks are affecting how celebrities settle their differences. We might even see his choice to use the thick, frontal cranial bones as Kiefer being considerate to McCollough, since the designer's hands are his money maker, and we all know the man behind the brand's trademark lacy bustiers wouldn't take standard fisticuffs sitting down.