BlackBook

It’s a rite of passage for president and poseur alike: an extended AMA (Ask Me Anything) session over on the landfill of pop culture called Reddit, perhaps more commonly known as the place BuzzFeed steals all its crappiest ideas from. Twitter genius Bret Easton Ellis touches down this afternoon at 3 p.m. EST, according to the author himself. Below, some ideas about what to ask him.

Who's the one person I would turn to if I had an incredibly disastrous drug problem and, on top of that, a lot of legal troubles and, oh, not much of a career to speak of? Charlie Sheen, obviously! Sheen, who has it all together, as we all know, offered to be a mentor to Lindsay Lohan, who I have to keep reminding myself is only 26 years old. "She can continue to hang out with her dress-shredding club buddies," Sheen told TMZ over the weekend, "or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey." In a brief moment of clarity, Lohan had her PR people issue a statement saying that she does not plan on being Sheen's, uh, mentee. She does admit, however, that her "life is out of control." Progress, people!

What I really want to know is if James Deen will reprise his role.

Oh IFC, you devils! Now we will all in fact get to see the glorious disaster that is The Canyons. I was worried for a moment there that this brilliant piece of filth would flutter off into oblivion and never see the harsh light of day but alas, we're saved!

I never thought I’d be attracted to a piece of meat. But at 3:25, on an afternoon at Atlantic City’s Borgata Hotel, it happened.

If O.J. Simpson can write If I Did It, I suppose Michael Lohan can write his addiction memoir / parenting guide / tell-all whatever. But really, shouldn't we be spared? 

I think The Wanted's "Glad You Came" is one of the worst pop songs in recent history, and compared to the friendly, clean-cut guys in One Direction, the dudes in the other British boy band of the moment look like the kind of guys from high school who would ruin a lot of reputations and probably get innocent nerds in trouble for cheating on math tests. I mean, one of them might be dating Lindsay Lohan, for Christ's sake. Do you want to be friends with anyone who might be dating Lindsay Lohan? Who would want to be friends with someone who is probably not very smart and brings his crazy girlfriend around all of the time? Of course, these characters are the perfect candidates for reality television. Thus, E! came calling.

Like we've said before, The Canyons appears to be a disaster. Directed by the man who gave us one of the seminal films of the last 50 years with Taxi Driver, Paul Schrader, and penned by satirical writer of yuppie melodrama turned Twitter-bully, Bret Easton Ellis, word on the film has been anything but hopeful. And with the slew of ridiculous promotional trailers popping up in every genre, little has been left for desire with this one.

If you’re wondering how the hell Lindsay Lohan can get away with jetting across the globe and staying in fancy hotels with nothing but money from Playboy shoots and Lifetime movies, here’s a possible explanation on where she gets her money: she might be working as a high-class escort for the rich and not-so-famous. Some of her alleged clients include Prince Haji Abdul Azim, third in line of the throne of Brunei (which is a real place, not like Genovia), and painter Domingo Zapata. Of course, these allegations come from her scumbag father, Michael Lohan, so take them with a couple shakers of salt. [Radar]

And here I thought—well okay, nothing could possibly be worse than The Informers. But I think I may have just spoken too soon. By now we've all had a chance to read the wonderfully in-depth New York Times article that dives into the production of Bret Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader's upcoming drama, The Canyons. In the article, we gain insight into both the distressing motives of the film, Lindsay Lohan's constant battles, and even Steven Soderbergh being turned down to edit the film. However, one shining detail remains: this looks awful. And the promotional teasers for the film are only making things worse.