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Well, this is good news for adult men whose only issue with the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was that the chick who played April didn't give them enough boners on account of her face and body looking, well, like a normal human woman's. Megan Fox, whose face resembles, of all things, a visual labyrinth, a concealed butterfly, and waves crisscrossing a lake, will don the yellow trench coat as the reporter who becomes the main squeeze of life-sized teenage turtles. I could go on about how this fulfills the fantasy of every straight man born between 1979 and 1989, but good lord, I'm exhausted. Basically, I hope all the dudes stuck in a period of sustained adolescence have fun masturbating to Megan Fox in another dumb movie.

After taking home two Golden Globes on Sunday for her show Girls, Lena Dunham has every reason to have all the confidence in the world—even in the face of ongoing repulsive and sexist comments about her body. Last week we were all mutually nauseated by Howard Stern's remarks towards Dunham: "Good for her. It's hard for little fat chicks to get anything going." The following night, while on Late Night With David Letterman, Dunham proudly joked, "I wanna get it on my gravestone where he said, 'Congrats to her (Dunham). It's so hard for little fat chicks to get anything going these days." And since then, Stern has openly apologized for his harsh words of judgement, paving the way for an appearance from Dunham herself his program today.

Esquire’s cover story about Megan Fox begins as follows: “The symmetry of her face, up close, is genuinely shocking. The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right. The eyes match exactly. The brow is in perfect balance, like a problem of logic, like a visual labyrinth. It's not really even that beautiful. It's closer to the sublime, a force of nature, the patterns of waves crisscrossing a lake, snow avalanching down the side of a mountain, an elaborately camouflaged butterfly. What she is is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her.” It’s like an advertorial for plastic surgery! [Esquire]

● Someone stole a 300-pound bronze statue of the Lorax from the late Dr. Seuss' lawn. "I want very badly to get our little Lorax back home where he belongs," said Suess's daughter, Lark Grey Dimond-Cate, of the heist. "Wherever he is, he's scared, lonely and hungry. He's not just a hunk of metal to us. He was a family pet." [HuffPost]

● As Jennifer Lawrence sees it, Kim Kardashian's very public divorce is basically The Hunger Games already upon us. "That's a tragedy for anyone, but they're using it for entertainment, and we're watching it," she explained to Parade. "The books hold up a terrible kind of mirror: This is what our society could be like if we became desensitized to trauma and to each other's pain." May the odds be ever in your favor, BlackBook readers... [Page Six]

● Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss doesn't think her ex-husband Fred Armisen is as funny as you do. "One of the greatest things I heard someone say about him is, 'He's so great doing impersonations. But the greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.' To me, that sums it up," she says. [PageSix Magazine]

The Oscars are less than two months away and after host and producer changes, ABC just released a promo to reassure everyone that it’s going to be A-Okay. The trailer, which comes via Movieline, is a highly produced narrative short about Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox’s journey to the Himalayas in order to find host Billy Crystal. 

● Spike Lee is officially directing the remake of South Korean cult classic Old Boy for Mandate Pictures, a less than obvious choice, if you ask us. [THR] ● Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie declined their invite to Julian Assange's 40th birthday party, because, well, it was Julian Assange's 40th birthday party. [The Atlantic Wire] ● In an inspired bit of celebrity stalking, a TMZ cameraman managed to ask Michael C. Hall if his character Dexter would go after Casey Anthony once she was released. Suffice it to say, Michael C. Hall is not amused. [TMZ]

Megan Fox has taken quite the public relations beating in the run-up to tomorrow's release of Michael Bay's coked-up CG rampage, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. But it's not like she couldn't see it coming. The Ballad of Michael and Megan—in which Michael fires Megan for publicly bashing Michael—is actually the most entertaining thing about the Transformers franchise, especially when unfiltered loudmouths (not a bad thing) like Michael Bay and Shia LaBeouf are the ones doing all the talking.

● Pink and Carey Hart welcomed baby Willow Sage Hart into the world yesterday. Baby Willow is "gorgeous just like her daddy," Pink tweeted. [NYP] ● Ah, okay: Megan Fox was too feminist to work with Michael Bay on his latest Transformers movie. Or, as Shia LaBeouf put it, "Megan developed this Spice Girl strength, this woman-empowerment [stuff] that made her feel awkward about her involvement with Michael, who some people think is a very lascivious filmmaker, the way he films women." [Hero Complex/LAT] ● Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was willing enough to indulge certain other needs, just can't quit that wedding ring. He was spotted out in LA with his daughter, ring still on cheatin' finger. [UsWeekly]