BlackBook

Good lord, people. Remember when superhero movies weren't so satisfied with themselves? I get that Zach Snyder, auteur behind overblown green-screen epics like Watchmen, 300, and Sucker Punch (he's really the thinking man's Michael Bay, huh?), doesn't want to be known solely for making the least subtle genre films ever, but in his attempt to make what appears to be a very serious drama featuring a man in tights and a cape is looking more and more like the least fun thing in the world. And also, prettttty gay. I mean, tights and a cape and that dude's jaw. Come on. This is basically a Terrence Malick film but with explosions and a familiar plot mixed in with all the soft-focus shots of wheat. 

Well, this is good news for adult men whose only issue with the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was that the chick who played April didn't give them enough boners on account of her face and body looking, well, like a normal human woman's. Megan Fox, whose face resembles, of all things, a visual labyrinth, a concealed butterfly, and waves crisscrossing a lake, will don the yellow trench coat as the reporter who becomes the main squeeze of life-sized teenage turtles. I could go on about how this fulfills the fantasy of every straight man born between 1979 and 1989, but good lord, I'm exhausted. Basically, I hope all the dudes stuck in a period of sustained adolescence have fun masturbating to Megan Fox in another dumb movie.

● Looks like Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be neither "Teenage" nor "Mutant" -- not by title, at least. Bay announced on his blog this morning that Paramount marketing has renamed his reboot Ninja Turtles. "They made the title simple. The characters you all remember are exactly the same," he assured, adding that, "yes they still act like teenagers." [EW]

● Nicki Minaj has inked a multimillion-dollar deal with Pepsi to be the face their new "Pop" beverage. "It's going to be explosive," they say. [Forbes]

But let's not get this completely twisted before we take to the forums: Maybe Bay just chose his words poorly and meant alien in the literal definition of "unlike one's own" or "foreigner." In that case, mutant turtles would indeed qualify as an alien race. Or it could just be that he really doesn't give a damn and is down to troll as hard as he can because wow you guys who is over the age of 15 and seriously even giving a crap about whether some giant kung-fu-doing anthropomorphized turtles in headbands are mutants or aliens or pirates or seapunks? It's made for the youth of today, not twenty years ago. Children's standards regarding cartoon authenticity don't exactly recall the Grand Inquisition.

Because this is America, and because cash rules everything around us, of course there will be another Transformers movie. Director Michael Bay, who helmed the previous three robot orgies, said as much when he announced his two new projects: Pain & Gain, a bro-fest starring Mark Wahlberg and The Rock, and Transformers 4, which will be tentatively due in Summer 2014. In an interview with MTV, producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura said that a new film will follow in the established continuity of the Transformers universe, but without any of its principal stars. That means no Shia LaBeouf, no Josh Duhamel, and no Rosie Whitley-something-or-other to continue the gripping Autobot saga.

Megan Fox has taken quite the public relations beating in the run-up to tomorrow's release of Michael Bay's coked-up CG rampage, Transformers: Dark of the Moon. But it's not like she couldn't see it coming. The Ballad of Michael and Megan—in which Michael fires Megan for publicly bashing Michael—is actually the most entertaining thing about the Transformers franchise, especially when unfiltered loudmouths (not a bad thing) like Michael Bay and Shia LaBeouf are the ones doing all the talking.

● Jennifer Aniston was caught wearing a ring. It's (probably not) happening. [Jezebel] ● Now that people have mostly lost interest his crazy show, Charlie Sheen is edging back towards the less lucrative but more stable sitcom business. He's apparently signed a deal with Lionsgate to star in a new show as a character "very similar to the one he played on Two And a Half Men, however the show will be a lot racier." [Radar] ● If all goes according to plan, Beyoncé will be joined by Leonardo DiCaprio in Clint Eastwood's upcoming A Star Is Born remake. Two true stars, indeed. [DeadLine]

Someone in this world, most likely Michael Bay, thought it might be rad to set one of the final trailers for Transformers: Dark of the Moon to a mopey song by Linkin Park called “Iridescent.” We haven't seen this before (are we missing something), and it marks an interesting development in the evolution of the movie trailer, right up there with the death of Don LaFontaine and the introduction of the red band. Anyway, the song isn't Linkin Park's best work (this, however, is), but we'll listen because we get to watch footage from what looks like might actually be a kick-ass summer blockbuster. But note to Michael Bay: If you wanted to infuse this trailer with some real emotion through the power of rock music, you should have just called this guy.

● First it was Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin. Now it's Ed Harris as John McCain for HBO's upcoming movie Game Change. No news on the Sasha Obama casting yet, but we're keeping our fingers crossed for Willow Smith. [EW] ● James Franco carved his late costar Brad Renfro's name into his arm and documented it for an upcoming project. So Franco can't host the Oscars -- but he sure knows a thing or two about memorializing someone. [Culture Monster/LAT] ● Mystery blonds have all the fun: Kanye West was photographed kissing one of the highly-coveted accessories on a balcony in Cannes. [OK!]