What if you could help animals just by exposing your privates? In a story that appears to be plucked from the pages of The Onion, the masturbating orangutans who run Playgirl have proposed to team up with Michael Vick and PETA to create a Captain Planet-esque dream team of DNW. In exchange for a nude photo shoot, the '70s style skin mag has proposed to donate $1 million to PETA, which the other '70s style skin mag animal rights organization would then in turn spend on more naked photo shoots. For the animals.

We did this for a show! So true. When you prove just how stupid and gullible our culture has become by attracting a record-shattering international television audience with an initially heart-rending but ultimately ludicrous sideshow, you'll go to jail. And after that, we're going to put you back on TV. The Heene family may be about to surrender to authorities, and they may be convicted of a crime (probably a misdemeanor, as felony conspiracy will be difficult to prove). But after the legal smoke clears, you can rest assured that the Heenes will get the TV show they've always wanted. Skeptical? Then ask yourself this question -- who's the more repellant criminal, balloon-boy dad Richard Heene or canine-combat enthusiast Michael Vick?

While us unworthy regular people do such silly things as scrape together cash for our monthly rents (or trick their friends into doing so) and otherwise teeter towards homelessness, even the most unfortunate celebrities don't have to consider such a cruel fate. This isn't to say that when the housing market went tits-up, the sun continued shining over celebrity enclaves. Because, as we learn after the break -- for every posh manse, there's a senseless eviction. And of course, heated floors.