The uber twee Zooey Deschanel brought her brand of quirkiness to SNL last night with some funny sketches, including one that lampoons her ukelele playing, sing-songy persona.  Nicolas Cage stopped by Weekend Update and Jean Dujardin brought his tap dancing skills.

Nicolas Cage owned a Bavarian castle, ingests animals according to their sexual habits, could possibly be a vampire and was once woken up by a naked, fudgiscle eating burglar. In short: everything about or relating to the actor is hilarious. Odd and eccentric, only he could take something actually intended to be funny and make it even more comedic by doing it in the most serious way possible. Click through to hear his rendition of LMFAO’s “Sexy and I Know It.”  C’mon, it’s Saturday.  I promise you’ll giggle.

● Bob Dylan's shows in China were canceled. Some might say it's political oppression, but God bless a place where the government knows best: no one needs to see a Bob Dylan show in 2010. [Popeater] ● Woman nearly suffocates lover with 40LL breasts; saves town from flooding. [News of the World] ● An interactive map shows the best corners in New York City to hail a cab depending on the time of day. Useless, maybe, but definitely if you're a nice looking woman. [NYT]

I Love You Phillip Morris - “This really happened. It really did.” So read the subtitles at the beginning of I Love You Phillip Morris, informing the audience that the mind-boggling exploits of protagonist Steven Russell (Jim Carrey)—con man, embezzler, impersonator and frequent jail-breaker—are all true. But 15 minutes into the film, when the camera cuts away from Russell, a seemingly cheerful family man, dedicated Christian and potluck-frequenting police officer, to Russell euphorically sodomizing another man while chortling in voice-over, “I’m gay, gay, gay!” those subtitles take on new meaning. Forget the neutered "Will & Grace". Forget the tortured Brokeback Mountain. This is a movie starring Hollywood heavies Carrey and Ewan McGregor (playing the love of Russell’s life, Phillip Morris) as unapologetic, unconflicted homosexuals who like to screw. This really happened. It really did. If neither Carrey nor the film is plausible in the more earnest moments, well, it’s the movie’s sexual politics, not its weaknesses, that will have everyone talking.—Willa Paskin

Julia & Nic, Sofia & Clint and other upsetting pairs

● Rihanna has some new ink. It reads "never a failure, always a lesson" backwards, but that’s no mistake. RiRi’s current motto is backwards so she can read it herself in the mirror. [Ok] ● Speaking of RiRi, she’s been giving some thought about acting; she’d be up to play an assassin or a lesbian or a lesbian assassin, but only if Megan Fox played her girlfriend. [AngryApe] ● Robert Pattinson may be the tabloids' tween dreamboat, but he’s a bad omen for his costars' love lives. First Kristen Stewart, then Emilie de Ravin; now upcoming leading lady Uma Thurman has split from her boyfriend. [Celebuzz]

• So in news regarding the finest non-Lady Gaga-related moment to happen in music this week, Solange is encouraging everyone to pirate her well-done do-over of The Dirty Projectors' "Stillness Is the Move" after Universal keeps taking down free downloads of the cover across the web. To that end, here's a great place to start. [Jezebel] • Barf bags at the ready please: Jon Gosselin may or may not have filmed a sex tape wherein he does a couple bumps. His flack is devastated that us gossip folks are running with this rumor. He'd be devastated to know that most of us would run with rumors of J.Goss turning out to be swine flu patient zero, too. [Us] • While on the topic of crowdsourced pornography: Carrie Prejean's total swag count now includes eight sex tapes and 30 photographs. You'll remember that some fraction of this entire package was being shopped around for $100,000 earlier this year. [New York Daily News] • Having humbled everyone from Kanye West to country stalwart Wynonna Judd, Swift has the entire world rolling around in her palms. Her next conquest: A quick cash-in on vampires via a potential stint on Vampire Diaries [Digital Spy]

• So in news regarding the finest non-Lady Gaga-related moment to happen in music this week, Solange is encouraging everyone to pirate her well-done do-over of The Dirty Projectors' "Stillness Is the Move" after Universal Records keeps taking down free downloads of the cover across the web. To that end, here's a great place to start. [Jezebel] • Barf bags at the ready please: Jon Gosselin may or may not have filmed a sex tape wherein he does a couple bumps. His flack is devastated that us gossip folks are running with this rumor. He'd be devastated to know that most of us would run with rumors of J.Goss turning out to be patient zero for swine flu, too. [Us] • Speaking of crowdsourced pornography: Carrie Prejean's total swag count now includes eight sex tapes and 30 photographs. You'll remember that some fraction of this entire package was being shopped around for $100,000 earlier this year. [New York Daily News] • Having humbled everyone from Kanye West to country stalwart Wynonna Judd, Swift has the entire world rolling around in her palms. Her next conquest: A quick cash-in on vampires via a potential stint on Vampire Diaries [Digital Spy] • Did you know they found water on the moon? This allows the Associated Press the chance to parade out some of their finest puns? [AP] • Perpetually periled artist Shepard Fairey hosted/DJed at a marriage equality party the other night. [Queerty] • And, it behooves discerning cineastes who rank The Family Man as one of the Top 5 films ever to note this: Nic Cage has not only lost two houses and his dignity, but owes the IRS just under $7 million in back taxes. But be calm, Cagey folks! Johnny Depp is lending his friend a hand. He feels indebted to Cage for a part he got in this flick. [Celebuzz] • Here to there: Lindsay Lohan is not only hard at work for her follow-up to her disastrous Ungaro debut, but she's also teamed up with jeweler Pascal Mouawad to sew popcorn necklaces or something. [Access Hollywood]

● Looking to buy a castle or two? Nicolas Cage is unloading all of his castles, mansions, and even his yacht due to his manager losing all his money. [BostonHerald] ● Did Michael Lohan’s Maury Povich plea to Lilo work? Not so much. Lindsay is now seeking a restraining order against her father, saying that she’s “scared” of him. [People] ● American Idol execs have told Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacreast to tone down the gay innuendos and jokes when new judge Ellen Degeneres is on set. [Celebitchy]

● Rumor has it Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will finally confirm their relationship in December’s Harper’s Bazaar. Which might explain why the pair were seen tooling around in a Volvo. [PopCrunch, RadarOnline] ● Jessica Alba thinks her kid is better than yours! Alba’s one-year-old, Honor, is already bilingual ... sort of: “She says gato for cat, but dog is dog." [People] ● During the making of The Bounty Hunter, Jennifer Aniston had to excuse herself from a love scene with Gerard Butler because it reminded her too much of Brad. Somewhere in the South of France, Angelina Jolie is laughing. [Celebedge]