Rio De Janeiro’s weather may always be 80 degrees with a 98% chance of passion, but that’s all about to change. The frigid pop doyenne and part-time bulldozer impersonator Madonna is coming. This time she is putting her special brand of off-putting generosity towards helping Rio’s incredibly impoverished favelas. Having been to Brazil a handful of times and having been exposed firsthand to the kindness of a local beachside bartender in Buzios urinating in a cup and pouring it onto my jellyfished chest after surfing it’s a state close to my heart. As the entire internet knows, her most famous trip down there was for Steven Klein’s notorious W Magazine shoot. And after she had smuggled Jesus away up in her rainforest-like Sugarloaf Mountain she has been enamored with the state ever since. But I’m really torn about this, man.

German citizen, ex-pilot, and recent dumpee Heinz Muller has decided to do like men before him have done and heal his heartbreak by hanging out in the Brazilian airport in Campianas. With no real plan, Muller wanders from terminal to terminal, relying on handouts from fast-food employees. Maybe he finds the constant hum of airport activity soothing to his broken heart as he mopes from bathroom stall to hard plastic chair, wallowing in his romantic misfortune. The story goes that he flew to Rio on the 2nd for a hot rendezvous with a local woman he met on the internet (sigh), and she promptly dumped his ass and left him with no place to be, and as he says, no money.

Why does an asshat like Bernie Madoff sit swaddled in his Park Avenue penthouse while Christian Wölffer lies lifeless in a Rio morgue? Wölffer's fatal boating accident last week, which swept through the wine biz over New Year's, was a particularly brutal brand of fate. But there you have it. Bid farewell to one of the wine biz's favorite sons. Wölffer, owner of Wölffer Estate Vineyard in Sagaponack and an East End wine pioneer, was swimming in the ocean near Rio de Janeiro when a speed boat skimmed over him on New Year's Eve.