BlackBook

● How this year's Sports Illustrated cover girl Kate Upton dougied her way to supermodel. [NYT]

● Karl Lagerfield thinks that Adele has "a beautiful face and a divine voice," but that she is "a little too fat." And anyways, it's no secret that he much prefers the dark charm of Florence Welch and Azealia Banks's cunning. [Celebuzz]

I'd like to think Shakira was well fed growing up. She was born and raised in Barranquilla, Colombia, which hails as the culinary capital of the country thanks to its prime location near the Atlantic, offering super-fresh seafood and a touch of Caribbean influences. If there's anything a traveler can identify Barranquilla with, it's traditional dishes like plantains and coconut rice and empanadas. And did I mention super-fresh, caught-in-the-morning seafood?

Sometimes it seems like the UK gets all the cool music festivals. The Isle of Wight festival is legendary, and Glastonbury has given the world treat after treat—from Jay-Z dissing Oasis to the ridiculous antics of Pete Doherty, the world's largest open-air music festival has reigned over the pop culture landscape. Over the weekend, Shakira brought her A-game to Glasto. The Colombian singer (who, it must be said, is lucky that her breasts are small and humble, so we don't confuse them with mountains) decided to show Britain's own The xx a little love by covering their single 'Islands.'

Last night was a wonderful night across the world where if you had never experienced the miracles of getting a colonic, your television brought one to you! So to speak. Celebrities, actors, and other famous people who aren't Heidi Montag, Taylor Momsen, or Lindsay Lohan all joined hands and sang a little prayer for the little country that loves its carbs in a big way. And unless you were "getting drunk for Haiti" or "going on blind dates for Haiti" or "eating lasagna for one for Haiti," you probably remember every moment of this poignant television event like it happened yesterday (which it did!) But in case you fall in the 97% of people who had something else better "to do for Haiti," a quick recap after the break.

Christmas is that magical, precious time of year when many of us will make up for months of missed calls home by buying totally useless crap for the people we love. Yes, Christmas is magical. Our pop stars think so, too. In the spirit of giving, they will take time-honored Christmas classics and then cover them in a last-minute seasonal cash-in. No contemporary carol has been reinvented more than late great Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby." Today, we get to hear another desperate remake of Kitt's jingle, this one by beleaguered Brit band Sugababes. Following covers of the tune by Madonna, Kylie, Shakira, and even Taylor Swift, it not only sounds redundant, it seals the song's fate as the Gayest Christmas Carol Ever.

Basically everyone's still broke or unemployed, but that doesn't matter! What does is that the Great Recession is over. Psyche! It isn't. However, this pathetic whisper the closest thing we're seeing to last fall's bellowing watchword of "Hope" as peddled by too-idealistic politicos who decided to get the four-letter word etched across their eyelids. But let's just run with it anyway. Selena star Jennifer Lopez has. In fact so much that she's offering us a carnivorous earwig in the form of "Louboutins." The two-time Will & Grace siren will be performing her ode to overpriced footwear at next month's American Music Awards, which is not so much an awards ceremony as it is a suckfest.

Speaking of Western sexy performances! Shakira too has been multitasking, but not in the way most busy business ladies usually are, what with their face-lifts, Shiatsu massages, and fish pedicures. In fact Shakira's been busy going to college, where she probably learned about the magic of file sharing. And somewhere in there was a mixer at the TriKap house involving choosing your favorite JoBros.

Remember when Shakira was wailing on about the she-wolf and it was such a piss-poor prod at viral replication that it made H1N1 look absolutely revolutionary? Well, most of that was in vain! But some of it wasn't! Shakira, it turns out, is creating the ultimate soundtrack to lift us out of the sucky quicksand that is the economy. It is so ultimate that it doesn't even have a title yet. After a single listen to this visionary piece of musicality, free markets will turn around and birds will sing again. Cars will become more than expensive metal scraps. Banks could become more than easy targets for the unemployeds. Maybe even Condé Nast will become a consultant-free luxe wonderland once again. But all at the cost of whatever you tend to pay for a record. If you can even afford to.

A little bit of background: Shakira is a diminutive singer of Colombian origin who gave us good songs, irritating songs, and an uninspired duet with Beyoncé. She is due to release her new single, titled "She Wolf," soon. Ever the overachiever, Shakira is also releasing a Spanish-language version of the same single -- "Loba" -- which translates to "bitch," "maneater," or "slut," depending on which glossary you're consulting. She's been away for so long that most human beings no longer remember what she looks like or how to pronounce the syllables of her name; thankfully, Shakira is all too happy to assist us in embracing her comeback. With a clunky viral marketing ploy!