I have never watched The X-Factor and I have not yet figured out how it is different from American Idol other than employing a Pussycat Doll and a man named "L.A." as judges. But last night's elimination was so mind-blowing that even I, someone who usually despises reality TV competition shows that aren't about designing dresses or tricking money-hungry women into fighting over a poor man, couldn't avoid the clip of a poor 13-year-old's complete emotional breakdown when the clip hit the internet this morning.

Forbes released their list of the highest-paid men in entertainment, and in a shocking turn of events, Frank Stallone has assumed the top spot. We’re just kidding, of course, but the list only goes to ten and we assume he is number eleven. The rankings use estimated earnings between May 2010 and May 2011, and some of the entrants will surprise you.

● It's settled: seasoned judge Paula Abdul is set to join Cheryl Cole, former Def Jam president L.A. Reid, and her old friend Simon on the bench for The X-Factor. Let's hope that it doesn't take as long to pick the winner as it has the judges. [AP/NYT] ● The estimated $250,000 NBC exec Jeff Zucker spent on his son's Bar Mitzvaha got him a performance from Drake, a raw bar, an iPad station, and converse shoes for all. [Page Six] ● C.S.I. costar Marg Helgenberger thought Justin Bieber was sort of a brat. "Actually, he was really nice to me but he locked one of the producers in a closet. And he put his first through a cake," she said, describing the behavior of just about every other 17 year-old boy we've ever met. [NYDN]

In case you're out of the Twitter loop, Kenneth Tong, who's a contestant on the current incarnation of Big Brother (UK), recently caused a minor stir by promoting what he calls "managed anorexia" via a "size zero pill." Tong become a worldwide trending topic on Twitter, and drew the ire of many celebs, including Simon Cowell and Katy Perry. Well, today Tong announced via Twitter that the whole thing was a hoax.

I don’t believe in the devil per se, but I think a pretty good case could be made for his earthly incarnation being none other than American Idol’s prickly mastermind Simon Cowell. Unencumbered by the traditional pointy tail and pitchfork, he’s handsome, glib, narcissistic, and so demonically successful that it’s downright impossible not to imagine there being something supernatural afoot. What’s more, it’s clear that he’s bent on world domination. Now that his ...Got Talent franchise is airing in some 80 countries, Cowell has announced that he's ready to produce an international version.

Heartbreak make all of us dancers why don't you? America is torn, what with Simon Cowell kicking this basset hound of a talent show out of his sprawling villa of an empire, instead taking in a more pedigreed pup like X Factor. X Factor, which overseas, has a pretty spotless track record when it comes to puking out fly-by-night pop stars like this broad, this broad, and a bloke who got to #1 by pretending to be Miley Cyrus. But with Cowell leaving such a large void in our hearts, who's to fill in for him?

American Idol is still a thing? Well, then! As the current season of Idol--allegedly Cowell's last--flails on, it's important that we, as people who lack anything meaningful to do on weeknights, comb each overlong episode for all subtext of acrimony between Cowell and new Idol guest DeGeneres we can find. Because they can't stand each other! And not in that playful big bro-hates-on-lil' sis way that Simon and Paula couldn't stand each other. According to insiders, from DeGeneres' first day, tensions were high, horns were locked and any number of other clichés you can think of to describe two people clashing. Yes, Howard Stern can't come soon enough to relieve Cowell of what has become a Brian Dunkleman-like existence as a thorn in Idol's side.

Whoever thinks that there's even a chance that Howard Stern might replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol, doesn't know Howard. Yes, he and Cowell share a penchant for being brutally honest, but Stern fled broadcast radio for Satellite to free himself of the shackles that are censors. Does anyone really think he'd want broadcast censors--who in primetime are stricter than ever--keeping him on a leash? Stern has been known to judge contestants on his show, but it usually involves their breasts and a laser pointer. Anyway, in honor of this rumor, we performed some internet archeology and dug up some entertaining clips from 2003 of Stern interviewing, as he calls them, the mean dude, the black dude, and Paula Abdul. If you're curious about the size of Simon's penis, give it a listen.

Stop whatever it is you're doing and read on. Even if you're rebuilding the presidential palace in Port-au-Prince, drop those effing bricks and read on. Those prodigal sons of last year's X Factor, Irish twins Jedward have issued their debut single: A mash-up of Queen's "Under Pressure" and Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby." You may be rolling your eyes. But stop your strabismus! Because even Vanilla Ice appears on the single (and the accompanying video.) The results are kitschy, disastrous, but also proof that in this age of Ke$ha-delivered pop messes, there is still Hope. And Hope appears well-coiffed and has a sense of fun. That Simon Cowell wants to bring this sort of television spectacle Stateside? Genius. And while this is currently burning up in Britain, somewhere in between successes by Gaga and the Black Eyed Peas, Jedward could very realistically snag a Top 5 hit in the U.S. with this tune as well. Video after the break.

It's not that bashing celebrities who "lend their efforts" towards Haiti earthquake relief is suddenly trendy. It's that someone has to call out crocodile tears. With all sorts of disasters--natural and man-made--wreaking havoc across the globe, maybe A-listers shouldn't just piggyback on the latest media-friendly calamity to ravage the world. As we've already learned, philanthropy is a ruthless game of one-upmanship. And issuing competing charity singles obscures the plight of those who have lost their homes, family members or gone missing. There's already one crappy charity single in the works, so why make another one? There's also the question, why do people have to be duped into buying a piece of substandard pop in order to help the cause?