● Conrad Murray's trial kicked off to a grim start yesterday with a photo of Michael Jackson's dead body stretched out on a hospital gurney, an eerie recording of Jackson mumbling, "I want them to say, 'I've never seen nothing like this in my life,' 'he's the greatest entertainer of all time,'" and tears all around. [LAT] ● Apparently Kourtney Kardashian's beau, Scott Disick, doesn't do so bad for himself in the down-under department ("It's like an elephant's trunk!"), and Kim thinks he needs some new underwear ("This is freaking me out!"). [xoJane] ● Apparently Spencer Pratt owes so much money that his agents don't even bother answering his phone calls anymore. Did he buy too many crystals? Not enough crystals? [Huff Post]

● Selena Gomez checked into a hospital complaining of "nausea and a severe headache" after her appearance on The Tonight Show. Jay Leno gives us migraines, too. #getwellsoonselena [DailyMail] ● Last night was a big one for live-tweet aficionados: there were a lot of theater jokes, a lot of basketball jokes, and a lot of jokes about all the bad jokes. The Book of Mormon won nine Tonys, and on the court, the Mavericks beat Lebron James and the Miami Heat, taking home their first championship trophy (and some cool wide-brims). [NYT/NYT] ● Demi Lovato's worst-life-ever continues, with her mom now in rehab and her boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama, now her ex. Sometimes things don't get better... [Page Six]

● After two failed drug tests, a judge issued an arrest warrant for Lindsay Lohan and revoked her probation, scheduling a Friday hearing to decide her fate. [HuffPo] ● Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss has filed for divorce from her husband, SNL star Fred Armisen, who may have upset Moss by not being a Scientologist or Don Draper. [ET] ● Spencer Pratt shaving his beard should have been directed by Wes Craven. [Celebuzz]

● Though we've heard before that Paris Hilton may use her private parts to hide drugs, never have we heard the story in such detail and with Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis as Hilton's co-star. [Gawker] ● A former Britney Spears bodyguard claims he was sexually harassed by the singer, that she exposed herself and yelled at him for taking too long with her Slurpee. Really. [AP] ● Who is the greatest diva of the last quarter century: Whitney, Mariah, Mary J? Gaga?! [The Awl]

● Though their impending divorce may signal the End Times, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt will not go away. Spencer has a girl-on-girl sex tape starring Heidi and Playboy's Karissa Shannon. Convenient! [TMZ] ● Meanwhile, on Twitter, Heidi reached out to her old pal Lauren Conrad with something resembling an apology: "you were right! Spencer is sooooo[...]ooo[...]ooo sucky!!!" [Twitter] ● Wyclef Jean will not stop running for president. No means no. [Vulture]

● O.J. Simpson's old lawyer, Robert Shapiro, will now be representing America's new Most Wanted: Lindsay Lohan. White Bronco is what she calls cocaine, though. [TMZ] ● Joaquin Phoenix's highly anticipated documentary about his life as a rapper has a release date. Slated for September, it's unfortunately before the end of the world. [Deadline] ● Whoopi Goldberg will not stop defending Mel Gibson. [PopEater]

● Spencer Pratt called former Hills friend Audrina Patridge's plastic surgery "nasty" before going off on Ke$ha and Jwoww, another member of the nasty surgery club... of which Spencer's wife Heidi Montag is queen. [Celebuzz] ● With a bunch of sexual assault allegations surfacing about action 'star' Steven Seagal, the best is him telling Jenny McCarthy to "sit on my couch." She responded, "Rent my Playboy video, you asshole." If only every girl was so lucky. [PopEater] ● Can't be unseen (for a bunch of Catholics in Oklahoma): Jesus with a really big... you know the old joke -- let's just say he's hung like this. [Crooks and Liars]

As Courtney Alice Shayne once said in Jawbreaker, "Life's a bitch, then you die." Today of all days find that maxim to ring so loud as to dig irreversibly into our ears so that we may never be able to shake the truth of the statement from our heads. Take this horrible juxtaposition of two facts. Fact: Marriage equality is dead in most of the country! Fact: Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have just celebrated their first anniversary of splashing around in the straights-only marriage pool. It's an epic occasion. So momentous for the pair that they're celebrating it apart from one another. Huh?

A strange and scary thing happened over the later part of last week. Spencer Pratt started following me on Twitter. Then late into the next night, as I was negotiating my e-mails after a steady flow of Long Island Iced Teas, I was filled with a more conflicted combination of terror and giddy excitement when I found out that Heidi Montag started following me. Full disclosure: My Twitter is nothing but an exercise in non sequiturs, superfluous hashtagging, and notes to self. So why anyone, friends or uncelebrities, would want a running stream of 140 character bursts of my melodrama is beyond me. Perhaps this was Speidi's way of keeping up with at least one half of their vanity, as Montag at least has a prolific backstory here. So consider this then making up for some overdue crumbs that Pratt's ego has long been clawing for.

● Heather Locklear proves she’s still Queen B by getting Ashlee Simpson fired from the new Melrose Place. Evidently Locklear saw through her “wanna-be diva” ways, oh and “her lack of talent didn’t help” either. [PopCrunch] ● Jessica Simpson is looking for one of those intellectual boys because she can “bore out pretty easily.” [Us] ● You can’t say Nadya Suleman doesn’t have a sense of humor; the octo-mom dressed up as a pregnant nun accompanied by her octuplets dressed as little devils. [TheSun]