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At the start of every season in the Hamptons a pall of despair, cast by bellwethers of doom, predicts that this will be the year it all falls apart. This will be the summer that the septic system in Montauk finally succumbs and fills Fort Pond with raw sewage. The year that the East Hampton Town Board pawns their power for a fat check from Ralph Lauren and absconds to Argentina. The year the piping plover finally falls victim to rising oceanfront real estate prices and cashes out of this world forever. And every season, Labor Day slips by with about as much ceremony as a wet fart, leaving locals slack-jawed and staring at each other with glazed eyes, like six-year-olds after a Pixy Stix binge. 

As a player, winning a World Cup for the first time makes you want to kiss the first Spanish TV reporter you see, especially if she's your distracting girlfriend. Losing a World Cup, on the other hand, has a different effect—on the footballers, their home countries, and their fans. The French opened up Parliamentary investigations into their team's spectacular loss and made the team return home in coach. The Brazilians tried to kill the players when they were coming off the plane after sending their normally pampered asses back home, also in coach. Maybe that's the problem: these superstars are so used to being treated like royalty that flying coach is the ultimate punishment, whereas the North Korean penance of being forced to fly coach and work in the coal mines is probably a tad more effective. It's a toss-up between that and Uday Hussein's popular method of flogging losing players and making them bath in raw sewage. Somehow, I can't picture Cristiano Ronaldo being forced to shower in shit as punishment for his terrible World Cup, though Nike probably wants to flush him down the toilet right about now. But for fans such as myself, there is no punishment greater than having to visit a World Cup smack-talking country when all you want to do is be on a beach somewhere. That's why my first stop coming back from South Africa after Argentina exited the Cup was France. Sure enough, Paris as a whole acted as if the World Cup had never happened. This, and about 20 liters of wine had me feeling great.

What: Tilapia fish tacos served with mashed sweet plantains (or baked beans) and corn on the cob. Where: Surf Lodge, Montauk's arbiter of cool and one-stop locale for drinking, dining, taking in the view, and, as of recently, shopping (Memorial Day marked the opening of the Store at the Surf Lodge). Ideal meal: When the weather's good, this place is a sure bet. The view of Fort Pond from the deck on a nice day/night, taken in while sipping a Caipirinha, is unmistakeably one of the most picturesque Hamptons experiences on the market. Because: Chef Sam Talbot established himself as a post-Top Chef success with this local-ingredient heavy, seasonal everyman's menu. This summer, the culinary hunk is also overseeing the the Surf Lodge taco truck for late-night bites, starting in July. Tastes like: Talbot's inclusion of ginger, cabbage, garlic, jalapenos, and Avocado Crema give the fish a little kick, and each bite gets a keep-you-coming-back-for-more zest. Bottom line: $23 for tacos seems steep, but with the side fixins included, it makes for a filling entree.

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The formerly sleepy surf destination's charms, unraveled

Summer, it seems, has arrived. There are sailors coasting down the streets of Manhattan like zombies riding Segways. All roads to the sleepy hollow of Amagansett and beyond are packed with two-seaters and Luxury Liners. But, the most salient sign that things are heating up: the Richards sisters have come out to play. Last Sunday, to celebrate the launch of Social Life magazine's latest issue featuring cover-girl and royal-rock progeny Alexandra Richards, Italian accessories monolith Sergio Rossi invited a handful of editors and celebrities to an exclusive dinner and cocktail party at Solé East in Montauk. We went (sort of).

Our country's economy is on a downward spiral -- no news there. But we also show no signs of upending our bad spending habits, of our "conspicuous consumerism," as it were. I mean, Portfolio's still alive, right? Either way, here are -- as a straight 20-something male -- the things I want to spend money on (or the things I want someone else to spend money on for me) this summer, in no particular order.

Rob McKinley -- part of the team responsible for hotspots GoldBar, Cain Luxe, and Surf Lodge -- began his design-oriented career behind the scenes at fashion house heavy-hitters Tommy Hilfiger, Donna Karan, and Giorgio Armani. After a shift into nightlife, the GoldBar concept stemmed from McKinley's fictional idea of a European count obsessed with anything and everything gold. The golden boy met with us to discuss keeping his bar alive, the fall of the Meatpacking District, and those guys across the street at Southside.

Alan Philips and Josh Shames are founders of SKY Group and Deluxe Experience. Their clients include One Group (STK), Gerber Group (Whiskey Bar), Morgans Hotel Group (Hudson, Royalton, The Shore Club), Borgata Hotel, Brier Group (Highbar) ... the list goes on.

Cain Luxe's Jaime Mulholland on sailing to New York's promised land, surviving the W. 27th Street club disaster, partnering with the Brazilian female mafia, and almost going broke before hitting the big time with his expanding nightlife empire.