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TMZ, People, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation have all harmoniously confirmed the terrible breakup of a torrid sexual relationship between Hollywood actors Jennifer Anniston and Robert Pattinson, who appeared on The Daily Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to confirm that he will be the new legal guardian for Suri Cruise, the illegitimate child of British chanteuse Adele and an unnamed father who is probably Bret Michaels, the rock star famous for his recently called-off double-engagement to Twilight’s Kristen Stewart and one of the girls from Teen Mom.

It looks like Katie Holmes plans to stay awhile: the recently freed actress has enrolled six-year-old Suri Cruise in the Convent of the Sacred Heart, a posh NYC all-girls prep school. That sounds all fine and good until you realize this school was responsible for Paris and Nicky Hilton's education. However, let's not forget Suri was thisclose to being brainwashed at a Scientologist school. 

● Heeding the advice of fellow father Tom Cruise, Jay-Z is forgoing the usual mini-van for an armed vehicle to tote his kid around in. [ShowbizSpy]

● Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio just "officially" split, and yet the Gossip Girl is already rumored to be shacking up with a new man, Ryan Reynolds, in Boston. [NYDN] ● Lady Gaga is getting the Lifetime treatment with a bioepic currently called Fame Monster: The Lady Gaga Story. [Gossip Cop] ● Usually the director, Werner Herzog will take a turn in front of the camera to play the villain (The Zec!, an "ageless and shadowy figure") in Tom Cruise's forthcoming One Shot. [THR]

● Wheels are rolling on the fourth installment of the American Pie franchise, American Reunion. Jason Biggs, Sean William Scott, and Eugene Levy are all signed on, while the rest of the cast is still determining the price of its dignity. [HR] ● TMZ got hold of The Situation's terribly unfunny (and at times racially charged) jokes that didn't make the Comedy Central Roast Of Donald Trump broadcast. Read only if you must. [TMZ] ● First they sold the surveillance tapes for $35,000, and now they are shopping a book deal? These jewelers are making it hard not to feel bad for Lindsay. TMZ]

● This has to be the least interesting development so far, but: Charlie Sheen has been fired from Two and a Half Men for his engagement in "dangerously self-destructive conduct" and because he "appears to be very ill." Charlie's cool, though. "Now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on these silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension," he told TMZ. [TMZ/TMZ] ● Ke$ha has teamed up with LifeStyle to distribute condoms with her glow-painted face on the packaging at her concerts. Stay safe, even if you like to consummate with glitter. [E!] ● Jennifer Aniston and Smart Water set out to game the internet by employing all the trappings of a classic viral vid -- puppies, dirty-dancing babies, a double rainbow, a good kick in the crotch -- and then tagging it "Jen Aniston's Sex Tape." Well, you got us guys. Here it is: [YouTube]

Is it just me, or are kids really starting to steal the show? From the J.Crew, Gap, and Stella McCartney collections that shorties like me are totally snagging, to the freakin' adorable Zara Christmas lookbook, there's something about designs in smaller proportions that produce these perfect little nuggets of style. The latest brand to make us regret our childhood fashion choices is All Saints, whose Autumn/Winter 2010 lookbook is filled with miniature minimalism at a price we can only wish the grown-up versions mirrored.

● Rue McClanahan, or Blanche Devereaux of the Golden Girls, is dead at 76 after suffering a stroke. And Betty White has the whole world in her hands. [People] ● What would you say if it came out that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt's break up was a publicity stunt? Are you asleep? [Radar] ● Comedian Aziz Ansari challenges Diddy to a competition for the title of "Smoothest Man of the Year." [AgencySpy]

● Carine Roitfeld debunked fashion faux-pas tradition by re-wearing a Tom Ford YSL Fall ‘03 skirt to London Fashion Week. [Fashionolgie] ● Looks like Disney is planning to roll out some serious fashion as a tie-in to Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. A Disney rep teased that the “collection will include a number of surprises that will connect fashion conscious folks to the whimsy of 'Alice In Wonderland.’” [LAT] ● Molly Sims takes on Brooke Shields’ Latisse eyelash extension commercials in a Funny or Die video, calling their eyelash extension product Lashisse like a "penis pump" but for women. [FunnyorDie]

Run for your life, Katie Holmes! No, you fool, there's no time to pack! Leave behind Baby Suri and Victoria Beckham's handy style guide. Tom Cruise will cherish them. Like he cherished entrapping you in that Tardis. You know, the one he stole after Doctor Who finished filming for the season, wherein he condemned you to drift through space and time for approximately nine months. Until you returned with an odd-looking life-form. Brace yourself, Joey Potter. He wants to do that again.