● A sober Lindsay Lohan lost her $5,000 Chanel purse while on vacation in Hawaii, and then found it again, but short the $10,000 in cash she seemed to have been carrying. There are many lessons to be learned here. [NYDN]

Remember when I told you how Lou Reed kept his punk cred by not letting Susan Boyle perform "Perfect Day," but then it turned out that the whole thing just had to do with rights and royalties, and Reed actually did let Boyle record the song as the first single for her new Christmas album? Well now the former father of punk has taken a walk on the totally lame side by directing the video to Boyle's version of the classic. I won't comment on the music itself, except to say that a) I'm not a Boyle fan and b) I worked in a corporate record store during the holiday season when I was sixteen and Andrea Bocelli: My Christmas played on repeat for two months straight. During that time I developed the ability to not hear any X-mas music, even when it's playing at full volume. So when I play this video, I literally don't hear anything.

Remember a couple weeks ago when I praised Lou Reed for successfully stopping Susan Boyle from singing "Perfect Day" on America's Got Talent? Well, it looks like Boyle laughs last. She recently recorded a version of the song for her forthcoming holiday album, The Gift. "Perfect Day" will be the first single.

● Casey Affleck, the man behind the camera for the Joaquin Phoenix "documentary" I'm Still Here, has admitted to the New York Times that the whole thing was put-on, albeit elaborately and for two years. Bravo, boys. [NYT] ● Sacha Baron Cohen, the man behind Borat, is slated to play Queen's Freddie Mercury in an upcoming film. Very nice! [Deadline] ● Susan Boyle sang for the Pope. Who is older? Who is closer to god? You decide. [AP]

It warms my cockles to hear that former Emperor of Fuck You, Lou Reed, is still fighting for the integrity of the rock and roll soul. TMZ reports that Susan Boyle left America’s Got Talent in tears because the Velvet Underground founder refused to relinquish rights to his song, “Perfect Day," thus saving American eardrums from another string-swollen commercial bastardization of a classic tune.

It's not that bashing celebrities who "lend their efforts" towards Haiti earthquake relief is suddenly trendy. It's that someone has to call out crocodile tears. With all sorts of disasters--natural and man-made--wreaking havoc across the globe, maybe A-listers shouldn't just piggyback on the latest media-friendly calamity to ravage the world. As we've already learned, philanthropy is a ruthless game of one-upmanship. And issuing competing charity singles obscures the plight of those who have lost their homes, family members or gone missing. There's already one crappy charity single in the works, so why make another one? There's also the question, why do people have to be duped into buying a piece of substandard pop in order to help the cause?

Before Ke$ha becomes too smug about her sales victories in the U.S., she'd probably do well to ask herself the question that all trendy pop stars are asking themselves lately: Am I doing anything for Haiti? Because SuBo sure is. In fact she's doing it with Mariah Carey, Leona Lewis, Miley Cyrus, James Blunt, Mika and almost anyone else who may have notched a Top 13 single in the UK in the last eight months. The entire thing is even being overseen by Simon Cowell. And after a many-week reign as Billboard queen, SuBo is ready to move onto greener pastures. And what's Ke$ha doing? Oh, right!

This past weekend, a friend tried to convince me that Susan Boyle's I Dreamed a Dream was a good record. It was at this moment that I turned up the radio so the latest Beyogaga jam could drown out the rest of his argument. But that's not to say that Scotland's pop ambassadress deserved to get shut out of the Brits. (If you look at our own comparable year-end summary of pop music, a ceremony that stands out in its drive to reward mediocrity above ingenuity, she's really not that bad). So why then, in a year when women rule the Brit Awards, did SuBo earn no nominations?

Does the "Tik Tok" singer deserve your attention?

While Susan Boyle continues to lord over the Billboard 200 with a regal contempt not seen among Scottish matriarchs since the rise of Mary, Queen of Scots, we look forward to next week. Because that's when Boyle may be forcibly removed from her throne. Such an event will find Boyle unable to applaud furiously while giggling at the antics of Pebbles the cat, as chart subordinates like Mary J. Blige, Lady Gaga, Alicia Keys, and Taylor Swift glare up enviously. So the thing that may be responsible for dethroning Susan, Queen of Idol Rejects? Ke$ha!