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They’ve taken over the local department store by spreading their seeds like a virulent strain of kudzu. They innocuously tempt from the television, promising great deals on life-altering items like a 96-inch flat screen television, a guitar-playing Tickle Me Elmo and a gold-plated chain bracelet that comes with a variety of gaudy, ridiculously annoying charms. They’ve even made themselves comfortable in the form of asinine ads in your inbox: “Black Friday starts on Thanksgiving!” “Don’t be left out in the cold, get your gold!” and “Get an early start with these spectacular deals!”           

Looks like the latest Gaga fashion move is to emulate an Italian Diana Ross: in the new behind-the-scenes fashion video for Vogue, Mother Monster dons an impossibly tall blonde ‘fro while she macks for the cameras. Set to none other than her very own song, “Hair” (how apropos), Gaga puckers her lips, looks super bored as a wind machine blows her false ’do, and shows off some dead foxes on top of her head. Because a soulless star wearing dead animals is always en vogue, right? Check out the video below.

Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want: to see the Spice Girls reunion at the Olympic Closing ceremony! The fab five are officially confirmed to be performing at the London 2012 Olympics closing ceremony, and zig-ah-zig-ahhed onstage during a recent rehearsal at the historic Ford car plant in Dagenham yesterday to prep for their performance.

It’s about time Old Navy got rid of those creepy mannequins! For their new fall line, the mega-cheap clothing hawker reinvigorates life into their newest ad campaign with an old recipe–using the original cast of Beverly Hills, 90210.

Sex-starved humans of New York City rejoice: today and tomorrow only, Trojan will be handing out 100% free vibrators to usher in their new products: 5,000 units of the Tri-Phoria (retail value $40) and 5,000 of the Pulse (retail value  $30). Even better: they’ll be dispensing it from oh-so-double-entendre-welcoming hot dog carts, which they’ve renamed “Pleasure Carts,” emblazoned with the orgasmic phrases that scream “Getcha Vibes Here!” and “Relish the moment?” I’ll take two, hold the mustard, please.

Always one to eschew traditional mediums in favor of edginess, Lady Gaga decided to ink the title of her new album right onto her wrist, then instagrammed it for the whole world to behold. SO EDGY! I might just die right now, with my paws up.

Now I can finally properly justify all the time spent perfecting my pitcher’s arm in the junior softball league: a Magic Mike-themed bar will be opening in New Orleans, opened by none other than that luscious piece of man-meat, Channing Tatum.

It was bound to happen sooner or later: the NOC just released their own One Direction-inspired parody of the Fab Five from the U.S. women’s gymnastics team. The group had previously parodied Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe” with Ryan Lochte (following last week's video featuring members of the the swimming team).

Fear not chicken lovers: the latest Funny or Die Chick-Fil-A parody sends a message of goodwill to cheap, unhealthy, fastfood-deprived gays, complete with a cheesy harmonica soundtrack and a chicken-slinging John Goodman. “It don’t take a boney-fide Einstein genius to know that I’m an oldy-fashioned sort. But when it comes to the subjuct-ification of marriage rights, I reckon I’m a bit more progressive than my pals down at Chick-Fil-A,” says Sanders.

Ahh, Olympic athletes have it so hard: training just about every day with no break in sight, getting ridiculed for showing emotion, and—wait for it—not being able to wear whatever kind of headphones they like. So sad!