● The woman who called Al Gore a "crazed sex poodle" is so scared and hurt that the only thing that will make her feel better is $1 million to tell her story. The horror! [Page Six] ● Speaking of pay-offs, Tiger Woods and his wife Elin have reportedly reached a divorce settlement worth $750 million, or a hell of a lot of massages. [Hollywood Life] ● A young Chinese girl sought plastic surgery to transform herself into Jessica Alba in order to win her boyfriend back. Alba convinced her not to do it, but probably took the boyfriend anyway. [Starpulse]

● Orlando Bloom is just pretty enough to propose marriage to the stunning Miranda Kerr. The couple will alternate days in the bathroom. [People] ● Helen Mirren appears topless in the new issue of New York magazine, courtesy of photographer Juergen Teller, making most cougars look like house cats. [HuffPo] ● Carrot Top was hospitalized for career paralysis. [Perez Hilton]

● Jon Gosselin has dashed both Hailey Glassman and Kate Major’s dreams by declaring that he’s single. [People] ● Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie may be globetrotting actors and humanitarians, but they have McDonald's cravings just like the rest of us. [JustJared] ● Candy vs. Tori Round 267: Candy Spelling has scolded her daughter for trying to work out their familial problems through the media. Note that Candy sent this message via TMZ. [TMZ]

Tori Spelling, for all her time on this sinking planet, has done very little good. So before we tie her to rafters and gather to heckle her with beets for her ruinous contributions to the already-crumbling world of children's literature, let's fondly recall the good times. As few as they were. Like when she guested on Smallville as a non-journalist with a vicious mean streak. Or when she gave us a woefully short-lived, camptastic comedy in the vein of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

● Brad Pitt reveals he didn’t sign up for Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds as much as he got a little drunk and smoked a little something with the director, and wound up shooting weeks later. [Youtube] ● Kate Hudson was seen making out with Alex Rodriguez in the back of a Manhattan restaurant. What is this, junior high? [Foxnews] ● Tori Spelling lets you know what’s in her purse and explains how her BlackBerry is a useful toy for kids. [Myspace]

Not too long ago, Sara Barron e-mailed me and proclaimed, "I am the twat waffle victim." I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hover over the "spam" button for a few moments, thinking it some stray profession of love from a stalker (ugh, aren’t they always?). But then I chanced upon People Are Unappealing, a slim volume of nonfiction by Barron, about ugly mean people. Suddenly, her outburst made a world of sense. In many ways, People is very much the portrait of New York City, and it paints Barron to be a pleasant people person who has withstood many an unpleasant encounter.

● Did Kanye West bring an android to the Metropolitan Opera’s 125th anniversary gala? Oh no, that’s just his new girlfriend, "model" Amber Rose. [JustJared] ● Jonah Hill is the latest student of the Judd Apatow school to be reinventing a Hollywood "favorite." Hill is set to remake 21 Jump Street, a.k.a. the 80s show Johnny Depp wishes he’d never done. [WaMG] ● What happens when a cab overheats and someone yells "BOMB" at the America’s Next Top Model auditions in Manhattan? Pure chaos. Wonder if Tyra will do a special episode? [Youtube]

● Annie Leibovitz was spotted entering the Obamas' hotel. Could this be for Michelle Obama’s much-rumored March Vogue cover? [Politico] ● Amy Winehouse is still in the Caribbean and still acting like a hot mess. Winehouse was seen crawling on the ground and stealing other guests' drinks. [TheSun] ● Tori Spelling is officially coming back to 90210, and she’s bringing Juno scribe Diablo Cody with her. [IfMag]

● Best thing ever: Get Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley’s fashion advice as your ringtone. [Cityfile] ● Recession be damned. Tomorrow, Louis Vuitton will offer a limited edition of their “Sprouse Collection” skateboard -- price tag $8,250. Proceeds go to Free Arts NYC program. [LifeFiles] ● Hard to believe: Rumor has it Vivienne Westwood would like to write the SATC sequel. [British Vogue]

Last year was all about death. Be it physical (R.I.P Bettie Page, Eartha Kitt, and Radar) or metaphorical (Joaquin Phoenix's acting career), America's social conscience resembled the cratered ruins of ancient Rome. But a few celebrities -- Barack Obama, say -- inspired hope through revival. This leaves the better part of 2009 for us to learn how to cope with the state of things from their examples, making this year all about Darwinism. Survival tips after the jump!