● Madonna is so over M.I.A.'s "adolescent" and "irrelevant" hijacking of the half-time show. "I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity, it seemed negative," she explained this morning on Ryan Seacrest's radio show. "What was the point?" [TMZ]

● A California woman has filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber alleging that she took the pop star's virginity in a backstage hook-up and ended up pregnant. Bieber and co. are saying, of course, that the baby ain't so. [Radar] ● E! plans to continue airing the now obsolete Kim's Fairytale Wedding because, as one exec explains, “The program model of television doesn’t exactly keep up with the life model of real people... if Kim gets to keep her gifts, why can't E!? [NYT] ● Speaking of lost innocence: still mostly precious teen queens Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and Emma Roberts are allegedly in talks to join James Franco in Harmony Korine's upcoming film, Spring Breakers, about a spring break gone terribly wrong. [EW]

● Charlie Sheen was roasted last night on Comedy Central. Mostly people just thought it was funny when an otherwise incomprehensible Mike Tyson ended his bit by calling himself the "greatest poet alive" and threatening, "I will eat your children!" [AP/Yahoo] ● BFFs Ashely Tisdale and Vanessa Hudgens ducked out of New York Fashion Week and into an East Village tattoo shop to get inked together. Tisdale went for "jamais seule" (french for "never alone") on her food, and Hudgens got the symbol for "Om" on her hand. [NYDN] ● Lest the bump not be proof enough, Beyoncé is reportedly "bonkers" for bananas dipped in ketchup and definitely pregnant. [The Sun]

While you were sitting in your unfashionable apartment trying to watch a choppy stream of The Strokes' set at Coachella this weekend, Christopher Mintz-Plasse was busy at the actual Coachella, gladly assuming the role of McLovin' and getting mega-laid because of it. But he isn't the only human being who used their celebrity to have an above-average time in the desert. Here's a breathless roundup of the kooky shenanigans those crazy Hollywood kids got into at the annual music and arts festival.

● Just twelve hours after Rihanna tweeted about a "#sexy collabo," we have this: Britney Spears is joining Rihanna on a remix of her "Hit Me Baby..." anthem, "S&M." Happy Monday, one and all. [Z100] ● Rumor has it that Snooki and the "core members" of the Shore cast have negotiated their per-episode salary up to six figures. As the New York Times points out, Snooki might be worth the extra zeroes. If you are finding this math unsettling, we welcome you to stop watching any time. [EW] ● If Bernie Madoff's Danielle Steele habit tells us anything, it's that things might be getting a little lonely in that cell. [Financial Times]

● Sarah Palin may be putting aside her controversial TLC reality show, Sarah Palin's Alaska, passing on the alleged $250,000 per episode and ratings in hopes of pursuing a more serious political future. Whether she can do more damage on reality television or in the White House remains to be seen. [HuffPo] ● David and Victoria Beckham are adding to their beautiful brood. Brooklyn, Cruz, and Romeo can expect a new fabulously named brother or sister sometime this summer. [People] ● The recently split Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens spent what sounds like a more than friendly night together at the opening of Hollywood's Eden, "dancing, drinking vodka and canoodling." [NYPost]

There were a lot of great moments in fashion this year: Miu Miu introduced the detachable collar, Valentino made the kitten heel cool again, Preen nailed the crisp button-down, and Freja Beha Erichson inspired us all to ditch dainty for androgyny (sorry, boys). But there were moments off the runway—light-years away from it, actually—that just made you wonder where we went wrong in humanity. Now, this isn't a worst-fashion-trends list by any means, as we all know that the trends you embrace are all in a matter of taste, and sometimes really bad could also be really, really good. This list is more about the worst fashion inventions that you likely saw in an infomercial or mall that made you simple say What. The. Hell. First up, the sheepskin flip-flop.

Melinda Maria's recession-proof jewelry lets you look like a star without paying for it. Combining quality and affordability, her high-end costume jewelry gives you that “million dollar look” at a fraction of the cost. Each piece is handcrafted to perfection and made with high-quality materials. Her celebrity clients include Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez, Hayden Panettiere, Jessica Alba, Eva Longoria, and Vanessa Hudgens.

It's lovely that today, everyone's stepped back from hideously disfiguring America's childhood to do something that most filmmakers have been doing since the dawn of the silver screen: hideously disfiguring popular icons! Say what you will, but Jenna Maroney as Jackie Jormp-Jomp may be the closest thing to an accurate biopic of the troubled singer's life we'll ever get. But by all means that shouldn't stop other thesps with varying levels of talent from wanting to get off on being iconic for two hours in front of a camera pay their own tributes to Joplin. But let's have a closer look at the top damsels scrapping it out for the role plus a bonus, if obvious, contender.

● Despite the Gosselins renewing their vows on television last November, Jon Gosselin says his marriage fell apart last October, so his partying and man-whoring is totally justified. [MSNBC] ● This new round of Vanessa Hudgens nude cellphone pics are actually older than the original scandalous photos, as the former High School Musical actress learned her lesson about nude photos the first time around. [E!] ● Did Michael Jackson steal his gender- and race-bending transformation from this 3,000-year-old female Egyptian bust? [NBC]