Well, this won't be pretty. Remember that one time when some jerks decided they wanted to re-do Footloose but couldn't because dearest blessed Zacquisha wanted to pursue more manly roles so as to grow a chest hair or two? And then we all heaved a collective sigh of relief? Well, such joy was short-lived. Because now the casting geniuses have reached their glorious a-ha! in statue-like Chace Crawford.

Considering the breadth of CC's acting prowess, its unfortunate that cutting his big-screen teeth on this Kevin Bacon retread may permanently (or until he can really fine-tune his craft) brand him as the Poor Man's Zac Efron. Or worse, Every Director's Last Resort.

I know what you're thinking. You ask, "How's a rigid Ken doll like Chace supposed to sashay, pirouette, and flow with any general ease?" Call it a hunch, but perhaps the producers have engineered a secret Java-based piece of software that, when installed into Crawford's person, endows him with all of Bacon's trademark moves, step for step. Think of it as Autotune, but for dancers. Something similar would explain how Posh Spice was once a dancer.

Poor Man's Hillary Duff (Hayden Panettiere) and Poor Man's Hayden Panettiere (Amanda Bynes) will join Crawford. The deplorable mess is set to start filming next year. Until then, here's a topical hook waiting to be exploited by the producers!