For the uninitiated, New Moon is the second chapter in a heart-stopping series that explores the range and breadth of the human condition. A series that, for all intents and purposes, asks us to be so bold as to carve open our hearts and mindfully pick out emotions encrusted around the ventricles. Such calcified collections of rage and sorrow they are, inhibiting blood flow to the brain, moving us to consequently make poor life choices like this. Yes, New Moon casts a modern-day Marlowe-esque light on The Way We Are. Its protagonists are constantly torn with having to make shady business deals to get their True Heart's Desire. There is Bella, the intrepid, lower lip-biting everygirl, who would throw all the money away if she could just be in Edward's arms forever. Then there is Edward, who would give all the money in the world if he could make trash angels. But twist! There's also Jacob, whose end-game may be the most easily attainable: To strike a deal with the devil to procure a limitless supply Crest white-strips. But sadly, people whose jobs it is to sit down and critique films, but never to actually slap some celluloid together, have decided that New Moon is nothing more a pile of steaming bat poo.

With just a day before the second Twilight flick opens nationwide, is showing a 52% rating for the vampire saga. You could reasonably infer, "Maybe that other 48% had to miss a colonoscopy in order to make that screening, on which their job hinges, and so they took their rage out on the film." You could reason, then, perhaps contorted colons were why that guy at The New York Post post cleverly employed headlines like, New Moon over bite and New Moon is one vampire weakened. (By the by, there's a new Vampire Weekend music video here!)

Another outlet barbs, "This episode is as repetitive as the first, with endless scenes of kissus interruptus punctuated by moody indie-rock songs." Even the Australian press, who still aren't over that whole Britney Spears lip-synching business, callously remark, "There is one thing to be said about the way [director Chris] Weitz handles time travel. He can make two hours and 10 minutes seem like a thousand years." But one thing's for sure, even movie critics who give almost any flick a "thumbs up," can find it within himself to dislike New Moon. Roger Ebert observes, "The Twilight Saga: New Moon takes the tepid achievement of Twilight, guts it, and leaves it for undead." Which is a cunning play on words, as Twilight is about vampires...who are undead!

Even positive reviews come with some sort of disclaimer like, "The screenplay feels padded and the different strands of the storyline do not mesh together seamlessly. Performances however, live up to expectations with Stewart and Pattinson exuding the magic that reminds us why we care so much about their relationship."

It stands to reason though that frequently, full-time critics don't know their shit at all. I mean, you wonder how these people got through film school. Cast away such lousy thoughts, though. Because if you've already plunked down $15-20 to watch this film over the weekend, you'd do well to enjoy yourself. And not make some silly fuss about how, "Oh! Old Hollywood is dead and now I can't afford rent for the month because I bought this effing movie ticket."