This had to have been the best week, like, ever for the hordes of Robert Pattinson fans out there. His New Moon media blitz is climaxing with the movie's release at midnight tonight, and Pattinson is just everywhere. The Internet should rename itself the Robertpattinsonet. Only blind people and luddites haven't seen him nervously run his fingers through that perfect hair like only he can. So how is Pattinson -- who is famously allergic to his own fame -- coping with all the, um, fame? We've scrutinized, analyzed, judged, and fawned over three of Pattinson's recent talk show appearances -- The Late Show with David Letterman, The Today Show, and Live with Regis and Kelly -- to see how the actor handles himself on camera when he's not working off a mediocre script.

Live with Regis and Kelly Pattinson shows off his serious acting chops by repeatedly laughing at Regis' lame jokes ("He's a vampire, what's wrong with him? He's got the upper tooth!"). But overall, this interview had to be a huge relief for Pattinson, if only because the hosts are the only ones who didn't ask him if he's dating Kristen Stewart, since he must be running out of cryptic denials by now. Also, it turns out that Regis Philbin is the only person on the planet who doesn't know what Twilight actually is, at one point asking Pattinson if "the young people" overseas "knew him." Pattinson looked genuinely taken aback by this question, but in a good way. Regis also called him "Robert Patterson," and accidentally admitted that he didn't bother to watch the film, when he referred to the Volturi as one character. Pattinson's shining moment came when he cast his charm on some Twilight moms sitting in the audience by lying and saying they look too young to be mothers. Not funny, but so sweet you could almost feel his publicist smiling backstage. Overall, Pattinson wasn't terribly engaging, and who could blame him. The hosts asked him age-old questions about his audition process, and where he was when he found out he got the part, stories he must have told 100 times during the Twilight media tour a year ago. The most revealing bit came at the beginning, when Pattinson couldn't even remember whether or not he'd been on the show before, giving us an idea how batshit crazy his life must actually be. Pattinson did the job, but this was Regis' time to awkwardly shine. Grade: B.

Late Show with David Letterman News Flash! Robert Pattinson was a whiny emo kid even before he was famous! During his interview with Dave, he tells of going out to dinner with a girl in Spain while filming Little Ashes and "complaining about everything in my life for about two hours." Since he didn't have paparazzi sob stories to share, what could he have to complain about? Oh, right -- that he can't find good work as an actor. Later that night he made a pact with the Devil. One of Pattinson's best qualities is his tendency to point out the minute oddities of the incredibly messed up life he's living, and he does it again here on Letterman's couch. After some audience applause, he says almost to himself, "That's a very strange experience having everyone clapping in the darkness, when you kind of can't really tell who's there." Yeah, I'll bet. The signature moment in this interview, the one that has all the blogs re-blogging, is when Letterman asks Pattinson if he's dating Stewart. Instead of saying no, Pattinson answers yes by saying he's been cryptically trying to avoid the question. Letterman interrupts him by saying "Oh, bite me," a reference to the strange phenomenon of Pattinson's fans wanting to bite him or be bitten by him or both. "What do I care," asks Letterman. Pattinson must have been wondering to himself, "If only everyone felt like you, Dave." The best part of the interview came, of course, courtesy of Letterman himself. Pattinson might be one of the biggest stars on the planet, but this is Dave's show, and he reminded everyone of it when, after setting up the New Moon clip, he played a schlocky B vampire movie instead. Overall, Pattinson seemed relaxed and relieved to be talking to someone who didn't give a shit who he was, and he rolled with Letterman's punches as best he could, but never really made any good jokes himself. Maybe he just isn't that funny. Grade: B+

The Today Show It's early in the morning, and Rob looks hungover (he probably is). Away from adoring audiences who'll laugh at anything Rob says, he's forced here to make his first decent joke -- claiming that he's responsible for Twilight's record-breaking DVD sales because he sold a bunch of them from the back of his truck. Unlike the other interviewers, Lauer tries to get Pattinson to consider the darker aspects of his fame. "Do you ever wonder if you could put the genie back in the bottle?" Pattinson answers with an unconvincing and awkward story about his teeth, and how he ruined them during the first Twilight. "I've kind of damaged my teeth permanently," he says. Clearly, by teeth he means life. Pattinson also displays notions of genuine fear towards his fans. When Lauer asks him about the movie's faithfulness to the book, Pattinson looks out towards the masses and says with what looks like actual worry, "Jesus, they would go crazy" if it wasn't. He means it. Then, during Lauer's "tabloid true or false," Pattinson gamely answers yes to everything. He is dating non-stop. He is engaged. He did have a drug overdose. And according to him, he did date someone named Listen Hewart. Then, after an incomprehensible joke about his mother giving birth, Pattinson is confronted with the truth of his stardom. "There are very few actors or actresses that get to say they're living in this kind of predicament you're in." Creepy. Pattinson aptly ends with a note about quitting acting when he had no jobs, calling it not quitting, but "surrendering to fate." Now's he's surrendered to fate in exactly the opposite way. Grade: A-. Without having to play off of his interviewer's constant jokes or make an audience laugh, Pattinson gives a brief but authentic interview.