No doubt the Mary Magdalene of her time, Kim Kardashian remains something of a sexual curiosity. Misunderstood. Misrepresented. But nevertheless, oozing pansexual panache. On one hand she prefers the company of gay men, but on the other hand -- the one with, ahem, filed-down fingernails -- she also professes to feeling butterflies flutter around her large intestines for Megan Fox. But alas! Love is fickle and not a many-splendored thing. Neither the gays nor Megan Fox want to wake up beside Kardashian. Leaving Kim Kardashian channel her succubus wiles toward a more vulnerable target. One that may have recently split up with the not-mother of his not-child. I'm talking about Robert Pattinson, people.

Recently, Kardashian recited a few Satanic verses and transformed herself into this witchy Twilight-ish figure. We'll call her Kym. Blogs Kym, "Since vampires are all the rage right now, Troy Jensen and I thought it would be cool to try out a more gothic, almost sinister look!" But the witchery doesn't end there. "And no, I didn't actually get rid of my eyebrows, haha. Troy used an eyebrow concealing wax to hide them!" But will all this eyeshadow and hocus pocus work with Pattinson? Well, probably not, as Pattinson's throbbing heart has already been ensnared by yet another co-star. And although Kym will continue to remain lovelorn (Reggie Bush aside), at least this totally pointless dabble in narcissism should groom the starlet for any TV spin-off of Twilight that Hollywood inevitably greenlights to punish the world for being unable to leash and sedate the unhinged, unemployed masses.