Ricky Gervais’ crude Golden Globes humor is not welcome at the Oscars. In fact, Anne Hathaway and her time traveling co-host, James Franco, plan to keep it totally PC. "I can guarantee that if you're looking for someone to call people out, we're not your hosts,” says Hathaway. With that in mind, Gervais has penned his very own middle-finger-to-the-Academy opening for the wholesome duo. Gervais posted the would-be Oscars bit on his blog, giving tailored speaking roles to Franco and Hathaway.

A few of the highlights include:

JF: You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.

AH: And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.

JF: Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!

AH: No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.

JF: Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

AH: But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London... He's doing some charity work. Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer. He's telling them what bald little losers they are