The acceptance speeches at this weekend's Golden Globe Awards ceremony were pretty sober: Mo'Nique delivered a teary and humble soliloquy (erasing from Hollywood's collective memory all rumors of her ingratitude leading up to awards season); Robert Downey, Jr. jokingly thanked his wife for telling him that "Matt Damon is going to win, so don't bother preparing a speech;" Sandra Bullock was just as surprised as the rest of us that she went home with anything other than Jesse James. I'd been rooting for Gabourey Sibide to take home the Serious Thespian With Lots of Screen-time Award this year, but after watching this clip of An Education's Carey Mulligan sneaking an elfin bottle of vodka past security into the Beverly Hilton, I kind of wish she'd been able to give her swishy props to God and the little people. Smooth-like-butter segue alert! After the jump, five celebrities whose substance-induced ramblings turned top-notch awards ceremonies into Christmas at my uncle's house.

1) Mariah "Please Forgive Me, Because I'm A Little Bit... Yeah" Carey @ The Palm Springs Film Festival

2) Anna Nicole "Like My Body?" Smith @ The American Music Awards

3) Amy "Um, Thanks" Winehouse @ The EMA Awards

4) Joan "This is the Ugliest Award I've Ever Seen—You Can Get it on eBay Tomorrow" Rivers @ The Australian Logies Awards

5) Elizabeth "You Must Read the Nominees First" Taylor