There's been much ado about the important out-of-court case of Mariah Carey v. Marshall Mathers in the matter of Alleged Boots-knocking between the two. Firstly, Eminem barbed, "Mariah, whatever happened to us / Why did we have to break up? All I asked for was a glass of punch," to which Carey was all, "It must be the weed. It must be the E / Cause you be popping hood, you get it poppin'." But now, developments! Eminem has thrown together a song called "The Warning," in which he warns Carey -- the way you may have warned a friend on AOL a decade ago -- for an act of unjust bitchery. In Eminem's grab-bag of warn-worthy things: sex tapes, studio demos, and tawdry pix. All this for her selective memory and/or regretting the one time in six months wherein she may have given it up to the rapper. We can't fault her for the regret part -- because he looks like a space alien these days anyway. But to really get to the heart of this problem, perhaps it makes sense to cut out Carey and Eminem and give their songs -- "Obsessed" and "The Warning" a chance to square off verbatim. Word for NSFW word.

MC: And I was like, why you so obsessed with me?

E: Only reason I dissed you in the first place is because you denied seeing me

MC: So oh oh oh oh / So oh oh oh oh / So oh oh oh oh / So oh oh oh oh

E: Now I’m pissed off

MC: All up in the blogs / Saying we met at the bar / When I don’t even know who you are

E: Wanna hear something wick wack? / I got the exact same tat that’s on Nick’s back / I’m obsessed now

MC: You so so lame / And no one here even mentions your name / It must be the weed, It must be the E / Cause you be popping hood

E: When you was on my dick and give you somethin’ to smile about / How many times you fly to my house? Still trying to count

MC: It’s clear that you’re upset with me / Finally found a girl that you couldn’t impress / Last man on the earth still couldn’t hit this

E: Better shut your lying mouth if you don’t want Nick finding out

MC: You’re delusional, you’re delusional / Boy you’re losing your mind

E: You probably think cuz it’s been so long if i had something on you I woulda did it by now

MC: Got you all fired up with your Napoleon complex / Seeing right through you like / You’re bathing in Windex

E: You think I’m scared of you? / You gonna ruin my career you better get one

MC: You on your job / You hating hard / Ain’t gon’ feed you / I’m gonna let you starve

E: Damn, Slim. Mariah played you. Mariah who?

MC: Gasping for air / I’m ventilation / You out of breath / Hope you ain’t waiting

E: It’s a warning shot for before I blow up ya whole spot

MC: You a mom and pop / I’m a corporation

E: Call my bluff and I’ll release every fucking thing I got / Including the voicemails right before you flipped your top

MC: I’m the press conference / and you a conversation

E: I’ll refresh your memory when you said ”I want you”

MC: He's all up in my George Foreman!

E: Well tell her to shut her mouth then I’ll leave her alone / If she don’t (sing this script?) then I’m a just keep goin'

MC: [Generic wailing]

What we have a deadlock here. No one really wins. The loser? MC, most definitely. For even allowing herself to get baited by Em in the first place. A stronger Mariah would've laughed it off in an interview and continued frolicking with Michael Wentworth or Jack McBrayer. And also the general public, for having to bear witness to this audiovisual circus in the first place.