Rihanna's new album, Rated R, is on its way. And the cover's been revealed, along with her new single. We're pretty sure we know what to expect with this one. Come, take a look at this thing -- you tell us.

Well, I'd say the one-hand over her eye, once covered by hardcore bangs, probably suggests that she's a little emotionally banged up because of the whole Chris Brown thing. You know, when he ABUSED her?! Yeah, that whole thing. Same goes for "Russian Roulette," her new Toni Braxton-esque "I've been beaten and I'm not leaving you" single provoking tons of Angry Feminist Outrage over what they perceive to be a slight on the good intentions of Positive Role Models. But here's the thing: we think RiRi's suggesting some other kind of lifestyle that's hiding underneath that patch. Something a little more ... gangster.

That's right. Rihanna's a motherfuckin' pirate. All aboard The Dread Pirate Umbrellaship: get under/on it, or get off. She's gonna make Chris Brown walk the plank! Etc.

But no, seriously, sometimes, an album cover's just an album cover. And a single written by other people to stir up controversy about something that actually did happen to her in real life is just a single (meant to sell records and tickets and interest based off of controversy). Don't believe the hype, people. Until her and Chris Brown are burning up "Proud Mary" like a four-alarm fire, I could care less. Sorry, but Rihanna's boring. So is the bullshit controversy manufactured in the wake of a maybe salacious incident that I'm not going to care about until someone pays me to. I won't be buying into this. You shouldn't, either.