You may recall that the queen of the basilisks recently hissed rather vilely about Susan Boyle. What Sharon Osbourne's motives were for being so unnecessarily cruel to one of the nicest ladies in pop remain a mystery. Then again, snake ladies rarely need a reason for mayhem. Perhaps Shazza's angry because she was called back to collect the skin she shed out by Piccadilly Circus last month. Or because daughter Kelly had recorded another mid-level pop cover. In either case, she was taking her unreasonable furor out on Susie B., who's now having the last laugh. This is largely due to Access Hollywood's own hilarious spin on the idea of democracy, which pitted Boyle and Osbourne against each other for the title of "Sexiest Thang Ev-arr." Obviously Boyle was the winner. Those sultry frocks, along with Pebbles the cat, gave her the competitive edge.

It was essentially a landslide victory. 68% of votes went to Boyle (giving the remaining 32% to Osbourne). And while this honor comes with no More magazine covers, shopping sprees at the Clinique counter, or complimentary lunches at Tim Horton's, it comes with bragging rights. Such rights may not pay Boyle's rent at her cute shack on the shire, but it will keep the queen of basilisks at bay. Additionally, we expect (and hope) that this victory in this critical vote will give Boyle the confidence boost to start walking circles around Osbourne throwing some of her well-earned pop star weight around, employing terminology like "fugly."

In this fashion, Boyle might even soon mouth off to Osbourne, obnoxiously barking sentiments like, "When I'm walking down the street they say, 'Hey Sexy'" or breaking out into the refrain of a beloved Mariah Carey classic. More likely though is the Susan Boyle we know and love: she'll just interminably keep singing "I Dreamed a Dream." It will rain fire. Our computers will take control of our minds, enslaving the human race. Civilizations will crater. But Susan Boyle will be there, at the end of time, singing "I Dreamed a Dream." Like she did last night on Dancing With the Stars.