I had this frightening dream last night. I was doing community service at the Silver Shires Home for The Olds and upon finishing my shift, I heard some hoots and hollers erupt from the Bingo Room. When I went to investigate what was happening, I found Edina, Harry, Phillip, and Nancy-Ann all having a gay old time laughing. They had passed around a crumpled piece of people with some scratchy handwriting that said 2010 Grammy Nominations and included phrases like "Dave Matthews Band" and "Jason Mraz" on it. Well, I just about fainted. And when I came to, I was mortified to find that this wasn't simply a sweet dream, but a beautiful nightmare come true. Far too true. A firm probe reveals that on this shortlist, the only word many of these performers and tunes should see follow Best is Substitute For a Coaster.

Obviously including Beyoncé and Lady Gaga, in some form or another (even if it's not for "Sweet Dreams" or "Paparazzi," respectively) are among the very few things that the blue-hairs comprising the Grammys panel got right. Because when you're tossing around words like "sales" and "buzz" and "things that held American ears hostage for months on end," these two women are among the most prominent figures to come to mind. Which behooves us to include The Black Eyed Peas, noted for their six-month stranglehold on the Billboard Hot 100.

But it's a slippery slope! Clearly striving to appeal to the lucrative Hollister crowd, the Grammys couldn't neglect such treasured performers as Dave Matthews Band, Jason Mraz, Nickelback, and Green Day. Which then inspired them to even more broadly appeal to the sensibilities of those who like "old-fashioned rock-and-roll" that still sounds safe and banal when placed next to Gaga. This effort turned up Hall & Oates, U2, and AC/DC. This even erroneously egged them onto consider those below the Mason-Dixon, which resulted in that chick who I mistake for Taylor Swift frequently and Taylor Swift herself.

Oh no. Because all decisions on this Grammy shortlist seem to be scrawled in Sharpie, there appear to be no takesies-backsies. Which then makes sense out of some consolatory nods given to MGMT, The Ting Tings, and Imogen Heap. All of who are fine performers, but considering their lack of musical output for the greater part of 2009, they are all decidedly of a "previous era." Even in their bid to appeal to gays (yes, it's been a hard year, hasn't it!), the Grammys missed its mark. Well done, I guess, for the Kelly Clarkson and Pink hand-outs (a pair of performers whose musical output should objectively find them competing in top categories, not this Best Pop Vocal malarkey). But the Dance category nods are just off, off, off, with Madonna picking up a couple for her comeback misfire and David Guetta featuring Kelly Rowland getting some attention, despite not really courting much attention outside of sweaty discos. This is even more embarrassing when compared against 2009's Grammys, which with competitors like Kylie Minogue, Sam Sparro, and Robyn will still remain more evergreen as 2010 rolls around.

However, with admonishments come suggestions for success. How could this Zima-infused DUI of an awards ceremony been avoided? If all we're regarding is a vague rule that makes eligible releases between October 1, 2008 and August 31, 2009 fair game. With that in mind, the inclusion any of these notable snubs would've made for a vastly more relevant telecast: A Camp's Colonia, The XX' self-titled debut, Bat for Lashes' Two Suns, and dare I even suggest Miley Cyrus' "Party In the USA."

Oh Grammy committee! When a Miley Cyrus-related omission, of all things, makes you outdated, it's time to cut loose most of your brain trust and reconsider your worth.