As South Africa gears up for the World Cup in July 2010, they're trying to clear the decks of any and all "issues" that people might have when they come to visit Cape Town. Regarding crim, it's not so much the human-on-human violence they have to worry about; it's more like primate-on-primate violence, with the non-human primates being baboons. According to officials, there are some 29 troops, or about 420 rogue baboons roaming the city, breaking into cars and generally menacing to society. Their latest trick is opening car doors and hopping through windows to steal tasty snacks people have left in their cars. It's gotten so bad they've named the ringleader of the babs to better to target him. His name is Fred, and he likes baloney.

Baboons are a protected species in South Africa, so the government is doing it's best to "keep them at bay," but they seem to be failing miserably. Their plan for the World Cup is to hand out pamphlets explaining why they should stay in their cars with locked doors and windows if they see the gang o' baboons headed their way. A pamphlet, however, will do you no good if you come face to face with an angry baboon, so consider a few pointers on successfully surviving a monkey attack. To paraphrase for baboon-specific circumstances:

1. Pretend you're getting mugged and throw the goods away from you, so they chase the goods and not you. The goods in this case would be food of any kind, not your wallet.

2. Should you not have any food on your person (bad move), you should slowly open your palms and show the 'boon you've got nothing to steal.

3. Back away without showing fear. Stop trembling.

4. Do not smile. At all. Or show your teeth, even a little bit. This is a sign of aggression to a baboon, which will respond in kind.

5. Whatever you do, don't fight a baboon bare handed; they're equipped with sharp, dagger-like teeth. When choosing a defensive weapon, go for something heavy and blunt, like a cricket bat or a large bus.