Where am I going to find a house with 1,500 closets for everyone to come out of? Adam Lambert’s performance at the American Music Awards stirred up something saddening in 1,500 unidentified individuals who have called into to ABC complaining of a metallic Sonic the Hedgehog reenacting the only reason to watch 1994s Disclosure. I haven’t watched the video of the performance because I’m a night blogger and it will be fun to see if I can spread this peanut butter out over an entire post without having to resort to YouTube. Plus men aren’t visual learners or something like that I once visually-learned. I read somewhere that he led a dancer around by a leash and made out with a guy on a stage. Who cares? I’m making out with a guy right now. And watching For The Love of RayJay who, without question, is much more of a menace to impressionable youth than Lambert’s love of S&M and ugly jewelry.

Adam Fucking Lambert says that his performance of the song “For Your Entertainment” was intended to “break down a double standard that existed where female performers are often sexually provocative” compared to men who don’t “do it that often.” More than likely the calls were placed by the Parents Television Council whose phones have lain dusty ever since three weeks ago when Gossip Girl distracting them from deciphering their daughters’ texts about Rainbow Parties and Jelly Bracelet Stacking . While I take of my shirt now I feel it important to inform you that ABC characterized the response as “moderate.” I don’t know if they mean that the 1500 calls received is a “moderate” response to simulated blowjobs on their network or if they mean that 1500 complaints is a “moderate” response to telecasting American Music Awards in general. I’m willing to bet that it’s a little from Column A and a little from Column B. Maybe also C. I MADE ABC THERE DIDN’T I? Whatever. Pants off.