Rio De Janeiro’s weather may always be 80 degrees with a 98% chance of passion, but that’s all about to change. The frigid pop doyenne and part-time bulldozer impersonator Madonna is coming. This time she is putting her special brand of off-putting generosity towards helping Rio’s incredibly impoverished favelas. Having been to Brazil a handful of times and having been exposed firsthand to the kindness of a local beachside bartender in Buzios urinating in a cup and pouring it onto my jellyfished chest after surfing it’s a state close to my heart. As the entire internet knows, her most famous trip down there was for Steven Klein’s notorious W Magazine shoot. And after she had smuggled Jesus away up in her rainforest-like Sugarloaf Mountain she has been enamored with the state ever since. But I’m really torn about this, man.

The violence and increasingly-widening socioeconomic gap amongst the populace of Rio de Janiero demand attention from the world stage. It’s a fools hope to think that it will just take much money, donations of Kabbalah water and pushups to solve a problem that is currently beyond the reach of the government and its police. But then again, just because she is a truly insane human being rivaled only by Oprah and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn’t mean she is an idiot. I’m sure she recognizes that it will take significant time and energy to right that ship gone terribly off course. Muy ta bon, Madonna. And for your efforts here’s some excellent plane reading courtesy of the New Yorker and the guy who poured pee on me. Boa noite.