Somewhere in a bedroom wallpapered with tulip-pink ponies, Carrie Prejean sits defeated on the floor, cotillion dresses strewn about, stuffed animals torn apart, their cottony insides spilling out. Her cheeks are stained with mascara, and all around her, there's a sea of newspaper clippings from her brief time as Miss California. With her fame arc reaching its final nadir, it makes sense to learn that no one wanted to cough up the cash to buy her sex tape. You may be asking, "Carrie who?" And I'd remark something about the only person in this entire universe more odious than Perez Hilton.

That sex tape started making the rounds a few months ago with a price tag of $10,000, but no one was biting. It was too shocking (which hasn't stopped the gotcha media before, honestly.) Then in August, Prejean pressed charges against pageant officials for firing her, citing libel, slander, and religious discrimination. Originally, Donald Trump, who owns the production company that holds the Miss California pageant, was indifferent to Prejean's indiscretions. And had Prejean not pressed ahead with her mission of bigotry, he probably wouldn't have changed his mind.

Pageant officials then countersued her for breast implants purchased on the company's dime, misusing her title for bigotry, and for failing to appear at pageant-sanctioned events. And then, said officials got their grimy paws on that sex tape, and everyone, plaintiff and defendant, wiped their hands clean of this lascivious matter -- with the only winners being Prejean's flack and legal team, who earned a combined total of $100,000.

One version of how the back-alley settlement could've transpired: The pageant people presented the tape to Prejean, who was then aghast -- maybe at the accusation, maybe at the poor production values and pale The Dreamers rip-off. She openly denied that it was her. And then the camera panned and zoomed up to Prejean's face on the tape. At which point she was mortified. It allegedly took her about 15 seconds (Perez Hilton was on hand with a stopwatch, allegedly) to change her mind and drop her $1 million lawsuit. Apparently this video was so racy that TMZ has refused to post it themselves. Discerning taste at TMZ? I suppose there's a first time for everything.

What remains unanswered: Just how many people were in the boudoir that evening with Prejean and her paramour for such intrepid filming techniques to be employed?