Heidi, darling. I'm so sorry for your loss. I do hope the vigil out by the PCH where they found Spencer's '68 Chevy Camaro, with door ajar, went well. And that all three people (these two plus sister Stephanie Pratt) who were on hand to mourn your loss were able to make peace with a man who was just too precious to be torn from this world, like a band-aid from a broken blister. But I'm exuberant that you're sublimating your sorrow by pursuing philanthropic work to make good on your promise to Gaymerica. That is, your Playboy debut.

I do have a number of concerns, though. For example, what is that strange mud-like substance? I would suggest you have a dermatologist check that out immediately! Additionally, months after the fertility rituals of Easter, why is there an etching resembling a rabbit head on your midriff? Are you a pagan priestess with a loose grasp on time, Heidi Montag? Or is this cover supposed to compensate for the fact that you are a Playboy cover girl with Maxim-caliber moxy? Because it is a lot like your music career in that when you start something, you really can't see it all the way through. And then you have to truss it up in a tragic string bikini.

Sigh. Life's hard Heidi. So go back and finish college. It's best to leave media manipulation to the real non-celebrities, those willing to stake everything for just one more minute of fame and who aren't even deluding themselves into believing they have any remaining self-respect.