The big, loud celebrity telethon for Haiti is airing tonight. Lots of people are going to be calling in! Lots of money is going to be raised! Celebrities like Robin Williams, George Clooney, Rihanna, Jay-Z, Coldplay, Bono, Brad Pitt, Robert Pattinson, and all the other pretty, beautiful people will be telling you how much you can donate, that you can always donate more and that we're all doing our part. Here's the thing, though: it's bullshit. The Haiti Telethon is for the dumbest, most selfish people in America. You shouldn't give any money to it. People who give money to the Haiti Telethon are barely acceptable as people. Here's why:

('’)1. It shouldn't take a celebrity's encouragement for you to donate money. What, you're only going to give to a good cause after Brad Pitt bats his eyelashes at you?

2. It encourages celebrities to remain celebrities (with political views). There's nothing more annoying than a celebrity who has to constantly let us know how they feel (as opposed to doing something about it). There are exceptions to this rule, of course (okay, fine: Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, etc) who can put their money where their handsome mouths are, but if these guys are so influential, why don't they go in the public sector, and do something about it? Do you think Scott Brown would've won an election against Matt Damon? No. He wouldn't have. And it's almost entirely guaranteed that Matt Damon knows more about domestic policy than either of the two goons in that election do. But Matt Damon won't run for office, because working in politics is a hell of a lot harder and more difficult than working in film, and also pays way less. By giving money to celebrity efforts, you encourage the practice of using celebrity to raise money, which raises celebrity. It's a nasty cycle.

3. It encourages the practice of giving money based on an exchange of services, which isn't selflessness. It's a compromise of selflessness, which this world already has enough of. Donating and volunteerism shouldn't be predicated on being given something in return for your efforts -- in this case, the supposed affection of a celebrity who really couldn't give a shit about you -- not an exchange of services. This sets a bad precedent for future donation efforts to come: think of The Children. They shouldn't grow up waiting for a celebrity prompt to give money.

4. It encourages Bono. Enough said.