Love getting stoned, but wish it were more expensive? Are you and your manicure sick of rolling joints like some poor person? Does weed smoke hurt your delicate patrician throat? Have we got the thing for you!

As profiled in The Daily Beast today, the Volcano Vaporizer is a classy solution to all these problems and more. Known as "the Mercedes Benz of tokin'" by people who talk about things this way, the Volcano is $700 worth of the best THC-delivery system science has yet devised, all contained in a sleek, stainless steel spaceship-like object which, when placed next to your cappuccino machine, says "I invest a significant amount of money in my drug habit and I don't care who knows it."

One lawyer quoted in the article compared his Mary Jane's flavor to "the bouquet of a wine," adding, "you can taste the herbal essences." (Cue orgasm sounds.) "It's become a gently subversive status symbol, like a tasteful tattoo," the author asserts. I'd tell him to look up the definitions of "subversive" and "status symbol," but I'm busy shopping for jewel encrusted Ché purses online.

One question the article leaves un-answered is what the rich people do once they've smoked--excuse me, vaped--out of this thing. Do they make irresponsible art purchases? Order a caviar pizza? Hire the original line-up of Yes to serenade them? Maybe they just watch cartoons and invent awesome new sandwiches like the rest of us. After all, at the end of the day, being high is a universal experience uniting rich and poor, black and white, young and old. Try as they might, all the schmancy vapo-scientists in the world can't change that. If they ever figure out a way to keep from getting goofy stoner-face, all bets are off, but until then, you can rest assured that rich stoners look just as stupid as you do; they just paid more for the privilege.