This morning, I mulled reporting over serious matters like Goldman Sachs paying back a large chunk of taxpayer money and a temporary cease-fire on street violence in Bangkok, before realizing that more of you probably care about much deeper issues. Earth-shattering updates in current events -- like the unhinged, substance-abusing mayhem of a certain precocious singer-actress-lesbian. Obviously I speak of Lindsay Lohan, whose histrionics are proving to be inescapable, and unlike the prospects of Spirit In the Dark, can't be laid to rest. But perhaps the weight of restoring Lohan's good name doesn't rest squarely on the shoulders of a few bloggers secretly pining away for Christopher Nolan to cast her as Poison Ivy in the next Batman.

To that end, she's finally started mending her career with a little bit of snarky self-deprecation -- through an eHarmony personal. Appearing perky for the first time since pre-Ronson, she coos, "I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. Or at least, the rest of my probation with." Some of her best traits: "I am not broke. I actually have over $400 in the bank and over 20,000 Marlboro Miles." However, she's specific about finding the right mate: "I'm looking for a compatible mate who ... doesn't have family members quick to issue restraining orders." Zing!