● Justin Bieber wants to date Kim Kardashian. Maybe if she sits on him, he'll be swallowed into the abyss and she'll have trouble walking, which is a win-win for the world, no? [Celebuzz] ● Watching President Obama play basketball and talk about the NCAA Championship in a shirt and tie is one big metaphor for American foreign policy. Swish! [Daily Intel] ● If you've been waiting for a Big Lebowski porno, today's your lucky day. And you're gross. [TMZ]

● The thing about Bruce Springsteen's affair with a real housewife of New Jersey is that the man has so many song titles that the puns just write themselves. Beyond that, he met her at the gym and told her she had the "nicest ass." [Page Six] ● Dallas police charged Erykah Badu with disorderly conduct in Dallas for stripping down in her new guerrilla music video. Being too beautiful and awesome is illegal in Texas. [Vulture] ● Sex advice from a stripper. Self-explanatory. [Nerve]