So you're a pop star who long ago lost his luster because of the errant slashes of a 15 blade, tenuous involvement in debased behavior, and a consequent flight out of the country to a remote corner of the Middle East. And now, after thoroughly alienating pop consumers the world over, you're looking to court their dollars, dinars, euros, and lats to pay back the astronomical debt you racked up in trying to keep your name unsullied. What do you do? If you're Michael Jackson (and Janet forbid you are), you tear a page out of Britney Spears' Bible playbook and roll with the punches.

As previously reported and against all odds, the not-king of pop is planning an epic comeback with 50 dates at London's O2 Arena (though bets are already on about how many shows he's going to scratch out). In the meanwhile, he's following Britney's tour blueprints like gospel -- down to the circus motif. He's already demanded elephants and parrots. But like Spears before him, MJ faces prohibitively costly insurance premiums that may rule out frolicking fauna. Kindred spirits! Also in his rounds of pre-show brainstorming: Michael plans to row the boat ashore to the O2 Arena because such an entrance is "glamorous and very James Bond." Not so Bond? His open invitation to certain pupils currently enrolled at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which practically begs you to utter all the easy jokes you're already pondering. But hey at least Brit-Brit's having a blast, so Jermaine's brother may yet break even and come fall, restore some of his legacy.