We wish we were joking. The New York Daily News reports today that NYC's Metropolitan Transit Authority's rumored massive cuts across the board are coming to fruition in the worst way possible, if the budget proposed at tomorrow's meeting is passed; these are in addition to the supposed fare raise to $3/ride if a state bailout doesn't arrive soon. But it can't be all bad, can it? After the jump, the three major things to know, and how they can work in your favor.

● Line cuts: The W and Z lines are getting cut, completely. The J will no longer run express. The G and the M are getting cut in half. Con: This is going to make travel to cheap, young, BoHo New York enclaves Astoria and East Williamsburg an exponentially larger pain in the ass than it already is. Pro: You have a far better excuse when bailing out on plans in Astoria and East Williamsburg. As a result of the inaccessibility of their homes (in, respectively, East Williamsburg and Astoria), BlackBook bloggers Ben Barna and Foster Kamer will be found sleeping on the office floor more often, which means more material for BlackBook readers.

● Job cuts: "More than 1,500," including (but not limited to) a bunch of drivers, conductors, and subway service agents. Con: More tourists asking you for directions, since they can't find a professional to ask. Nobody to scream at when your Metrocard does an "empty scan" (i.e. uses a "ride" but doesn't let you through the gate). More freakish, subterranean civil unrest -- that crazy shit you see on the subway? There's going to be far more of it. Also, trains run by computers are probably going to turn on us, crash, and kill us all. Pro: Petty criminals win! Saving drinking money via Nalgene-oriented pre-gaming on the subway will be far easier. So will jumping turnstiles. Expect a rise in decent subway graffiti -- your Licensed To Ill-era fantasy of New York might come to fruition.

● Service cuts: The B's going to be arriving every ten minutes, as opposed to every eight minutes. Trains running from 2 a.m. to 5 a.m. will run every 30 minutes as opposed to every 20 minutes. Trains running in the middle of the day -- from 9:30 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. -- will run less frequently, as well. And a bunch of bus routes are being eliminated, too. Con: Trains and buses will be more crowded, thus, a greater possibility for pickpocketing, people sneezing on you, and claustrophobia-related freakouts by yourself and your fellow riders. Also, remember when you used to read on the train? Those days are over. Those morons who roll their strollers onto the train without folding them up? Their babies will probably be squished. You will stop bragging to friends in other cities about not having to pay for gas and a car, since riding the subway in New York will go from shitty to totally fucking unbearable. And someone will probably grab, molest, or assault you -- intentionally or not -- in a manner unbecoming of your "personal bubble." Pro: It could still be worse. You could live in New Jersey.

Reactions from Williamsburg residents on the famed Williamsboard message board were predictably petulant, while the Astorians were slightly more incredulous, asking when the W train ran in the first place (one astutely notes: "N = Never ... W = Whenever"). We think this can only make New York a far more interesting place to live in. Also, we can't afford anything anymore, so we might head underground anyway for the last vestige of cheap entertainment in the city left: anonymous schadenfreude.