Now that Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has wrapped up spewing his hilarious bile all over an empty UN general assembly, an important question remains: What's he doing tonight? You don't make the long trek to New York all the way from Iran and not sample a taste of our legendary nightlife. So what does he do? Loiter outside the Gansevoort and blend in with a crew of other blazer-sporting, open-collar-shirted loudmouths? Or does he charm his way in to a private event so he can catch those MisShapes he's been hearing so much about? Even if we don't agree with everything he says, we still want him to have fun. Because if anyone needs to loosen up, it's that guy.

● Zum Schneider (East Village) - Allusions to anti-Semitism, Hitler, the holocaust, and by proxy Germany, aside, this indoor beer garden really does have very satisfying grub (schnitzel, sausage, kraut) and hefty mugs of beer that will have Mahmoud spewing his bile in the bathroom by midnight. ● Boom Boom Room (Meatpacking District) - Frankly, the view from atop the Standard Hotel is inspiring, and this is simply the place to be. ● Greenhouse (Soho) - Everything about this environmentally friendly club is green. Let's see if he gets the joke. ● Freddy's Bar and Backroom (Prospect Heights) - Unlike his cousin Saddam, Mahmoud is a notoriously simple man. When he first moved into his presidential quarters, he replaced the extravagant Persian rugs with simple carpets. That's why this BK watering hole is perfect. No pretensions, and when Mahmoud starts acting like a dick, the bartenders will call him on it. ● Rose Bar (Flatiron) - This is funny, because it's the opposite of what Mahmoud prefers. Bohemian vibe, cathedral ceilings, walls crammed with big art, and a cavernous fireplace. Even still, if owner Nur Khan can't show this guy a good time, then no one can. Mahmoud, meet Josh Hartnett. ● Baddies (Greenwich Village) - Come on. If you name your place Baddies, your asking for trigger-happy tyrants to show up. Thankfully, Mahmoud runs about five feet high, so hitting his head on the way down to this darkly crimson basement is out of the question. ● Village Pourhouse (Union Square) - Where Mahmoud can grab his rightful claim to fame. But you'd be surprised how many drunken NYU kids couldn't point out America's Public Enemy No. 2. Instead, he'll hear "Hey! You're the dude from that SNL video with the guy from Maroon 5!" And he'll love it. ● Barcade (Williamsburg) - Brooklyn beer temple that happens to feature over 20 classic arcade games. Where Mahmoud can release his button-pushing aspirations. Explosions galore, and no one gets "wiped off the map." Games like Berzerk and Rampage make this a match made in heaven. ● Pacha (Midtown West) - So alcohol may not be enough to make Mahmoud the jovial world leader we wish he was. He might need something a littler, er, stronger. It's called pure MDMA -- and lots of it. Slip some taster samples in his drink, and an hour later listen to the world's most hateful man tell you how much he loves you. ● Tenjune (Meatpacking district) - Blazer, check. Collared shirt, check. Boring dresser, check. Unbelievable douchebag, check. Welcome home, Mahmoud. ● Sir Harry's in The Waldorf Astoria (Midtown East) - From Wikipedia: "Hossein-Gholi Noori, an influential Qajar politician was sent by Nasser al-Din Shah Qajar to the United States of America during the time of President Grover Cleveland to serve as Iran's first ambassador to the U.S. He resided in the first Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. During his stay at the hotel, he ordered a slaughter of a sheep from the balcony of his penthouse suite for the Eid al-Adha, a religious festival celebrated by Muslims. For his undiplomatic behaviour, he was summoned to the United States Department of State and then was recalled to Iran for poor representation of the Iranian people." Mahmoud certainly has the last part right.