As we’ve seen, a frosted-out flag cake can be the perfect confectionery complement to your stars-and-stripes bikini and Old Glory nail art. Yet, if you’re as OCDelightful as me, you cannot stop there. It’s your all-American duty to go overboard. It’s as if MJ, Mr. America himself, were looking down from his Peter Pan-plastic surgery-Diprivan heaven, imploring you in high falsetto: it don’t matter if you’re black or white, but this independence day, you best bring the red, white, and blue. Ow!

In the requisite firing of the grill, fulfilling your red quota is as easy as one, two, hot sauce. Slather your carcass-of-choice in homemade bbq marinade to create a fleshly scarlet infusion. Start with the basics: Worcestershire, ketchup, vinegar, brown sugar, chili powder, onions, garlic. For firecracker chicken, add minced habaneros, seeds and all. Sweet and boozy salmon desires molasses and bourbon. The former tweekers among your guests (the melting pot doesn’t discriminate), will appreciate a cup of crack-strong black coffee snuck into the steak rub. Vegetarians are Americans too (I know, I know), throw them a celery stalk with EVOO-roasted fennel and carrots, which given the drunk-eyed squint will be actually more of an orangey red than vice versa. With white fare, choose your own adventure. This way: puréed cauliflower, Fromager d’Affinois, vodka lassi. That way: vanilla cupcakes, ranch sliders, coconut Jell-O shots. Either path, you’ll end up at the same last exit: flag-print swimwear askew, treading lukewarm pool water, tearfully singing “Billie Jean.” (Is not my lover. She is just a girl). Sure, true blue foods are in short supply, but you’ve never let nature stand in your way. That said, both Botox and food coloring can overextend their welcome: see Nicole Kidman, turquoise deviled eggs. So keep it simple. Dust a bowl of blueberries with powdered sugar, and blend up some blue curaçao margaritas. Even Kim Jong-Il could love it.

For the final apple pie in the cheerleader’s eye, and because I’m feeling a little patriotic myself, here’s a recipe incorporating all three hues from my own hometown, which is in the South, which means I’m way more American than you.

The Wilkes County Punch 1. Get the biggest watermelon you can find. 2. Halve length-wise. 3. Pour one jar/bottle of white liquor over each half. 4. Let soak one hour. 5. Scoop into glass/bowl/hand, throw some blueberries on top. 6. Let freedom ring.