I woke up this morning shaking and sweating vodka, with a bright red heart, swastikas [Airbrushed out of photo at left -- xoxo, Legal, Sensitivity, & Retouching Dept.], and the name "Audrina" scrawled across my back in paint and permanent marker. But let's start from the beginning. Last night, Paper Magazine hosted its fourth annual Nightlife Awards at the west-end megaclub Mansion. The shindig had been touted as "our version of the nightlife Oscars" by Publisher and Editor in Chief David Hershkovits. Retracing our stumbles, he might have been right.

It started out not unlike every other night in New York. "And what exactly do you expect me to do?" whined some whiny PR something as we entered the club. "If we don't have a table, then we might as well go home!" She stayed, and soon the awards ceremony began. Amanda Lepore descended onto the stage in a translucent elevator shaft -- the boys who look like girls from Mr. Black went crazy! -- to present an award to the amazing Retro Kidz. The ceremony in fast-forward: Mark Ronson DJed. Sophia Lamar looked radiant on stage as she persevered through a minor AV fuckup. Soon-to-be reality TV star Olivia Palermo looked like she might die as she trembled and said stuff like, “And the nominees go to ... ” Paper columnist Peter Davis told the crowd we could smoke, after which I’m pretty sure I developed a touch of emphysema. Writer Tony O’Neill, who can be seen in the next issue of BlackBook, jumped the stage petitioning for the legalization of pot. Village Voice mainstay Michael Musto apologized for Samantha Ronson's absence, adding that she was too busy inside Lindsay Lohan. 60 Thompson, Nicky Digital, Santos Party House, Down By the Hipster, and Indochine all took home Kid Robot statues. The place was overrun with plastic hair, glittered eyes, and bedazzled torsos. Patrick McMullan went wild with the aperture stuff. Once all of the awards were given out, Solange took the stage with two backup dancers, who I’m pretty sure were Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams. Destiny’s Wild! The rest is a blur, but now I’m at work in neon green leggings, a tank top, and really offensive graffiti all over my body.