February may have just begun, but it's already turning out to be a terrible month for ladies. First, we found out college girls are so hard up for men they must tolerate all manner of douchebaggery or risk growing cobwebs in their vaginas. Then we found out that in addition to going without basic human decency, we must also eschew our favorite foods and fashions in order to trap a man in our pink prisons. When will it end?

Not any time soon! According to a new study commissioned by independent sociological research group The Perfume Shop, even if we do manage to secure a husband we can forget about getting him to stop staring at our tits long enough to learn basic, immutable facts about us such as our birthday, eye color, or favorite perfume product. Clearly, guys, the only way to correct this sad state of affairs is to find out her preferred scent immediately, then run out to The Perfume Store and buy a whole case of it (you can check on her eye color when you get back). You can thank The Perfume Shop for saving you from a life of slow-simmering resentment with its wide selection of fragrances for every womanTM once the passionate lovemaking is over.

If, after all that hard fact learning, her parts still do not work right, your partner may suffer from female sexual dysfunction, which, according to the Washington Post, can be verrrrry tricky to fix. While a lucky lady or two might just need a little extra testosterone via "a dab to her buttocks daily", others' problems follow "no rhyme or reason." According to Dr. Daphne Miller, possible fixes include buying lingerie, buying books, buying aphrodisiacal foods, and of course, buying more therapy. It's a good thing married couples have so many things to buy before going to the drastic fallback option of actually speaking to one another. Let's hope it never has to come to that.