The Wall Street Journal did some groundbreaking work today when they reported on White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel smacking down a plan by White House aides and policy advisers to attack conservative Democrats. "F—ing retarded," Mr. Emanuel scolded the group, warning them not to alienate lawmakers whose votes would be needed on health care and other top legislative items. We'd like to co-sign Rahm Emanuel's use of the term "fucking retarded," because, one, in this instance he was right, two, we like the term, think it's an accurate descriptor and that it should be used more often and, three, it's not offensive, or at least not the way you think.

('’)"Retarded" is, according to one of those books with words and definitions of those words in them, an adjective, the definition of which is: 1. characterized by retardation: a retarded child. Further down the list is the root word of "retarded," which, of course, is "retard," one definition of which is the classical: Slang: Disparaging. a. a mentally retarded person.

And even further down is:–verb (used with object) 1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

What argument can you make for calling someone who isn't mentally retarded a "retard"? Or calling an idea that isn't quite up to snuff "retarded"? Or using the word "retard" in any context, really?

You can't actually use the word "retard" to describe someone who's actually mentally retarded. Even though it's a by-the-book denotation of the truth, we've crafted a plethora of politically correct sounding alternatives that aren't necessarily that politically correct or inoffensive in and of themselves, because they're patronizing. Examples:

Special: If by "special" you mean "genetically deformed." Or "can't be trusted with sharp objects and not for lack of good intentions." Different: If by "different" you mean "most people don't know how to act around them without feeling uncomfortable." Disadvantaged: If by "disadvantaged" you mean "presented by the cosmos with a life that will never know the pleasures of mentally or emotionally cognizant or equal-experienced sex, drug use, or experiencing conscious existence like the rest of us do." Slow:If by "slow" you mean "has to be accommodated to the nth degree in order to be able to function by themselves at a certain point, which inevitably won't come before 30." Challenged: If by "challenged" you mean "'gifted' with a 'different' and 'special' life of 'disadvantaged' inhibited by 'slowness,'" then, sure, you might be right. If you leave out the whole "given a life of suffering through things most of us don't have to and would never, ever, in a million years want to," of course.

All of these euphemisms sugarcoat the truth of the existence of people who probably don't want us (or really: need us) to feel bad for them so much as they require us to provide equal and appropriate conditions for them. If we really, sincerely do want to people with disadvantages to feel the rapture of equality, then we have to treat them as equals, and not patronize the ways their lives are different from ours. And so, just like the rest of us, they should be able to take a joke! And that joke is me, or Rahm Emmanuel, or anyone else, calling something "fucking retarded."

The most important thing to remember here is that the phrase doesn't suggest that being mentally disabled is a negative thing, unless, of course, you associate the word "retard" with someone who is legitimately mental disabled. It describes something stupid and not a mentally handicapped person. More accurately, "fucking retarded" describes the kind of person who'd be offended by being called "fucking retarded." Because then it'd be true! And come to think of it, maybe that, above all, would be the most offensive thing on the table, here.

I hereby advocate for Rahm Emmanuel, his rhetorical skills and the designation "fucking retarded." We will do our best to carry this advocacy out in our usage henceforth. Anybody who has anything to argue to the contrary is, by definition, a fucking retard.

Approved, Certified, and Signed For, Foster Kamer Tuesday, January 26, 2009